These last two weeks have been chaotic, emotional, exhausting, frustrating, tumultuous and libated beyond healthy. For lack of any better word these last two weeks I have been on a bender. And no, relax, I don't need help, I don't need to check into a rehab facility. I am talking about my type of bender which is most people's typical weekend nights.
For the last two weeks I have eaten everything and anything in sight, in mass qualities (minus gluten, I still chose to breathe) not giving a care what it was, if it nourished me or if it made me feel like shit. Potato chips, meat, dairy, Doritos (!), french fries, pie, fried chicken, fajitas, Irish nachos (lots of eating out), times 2 and then all over again. Yeah, there has been a couple of green things in there, but not much, and probably just as a garnish or in a "salad." And I am still taking my vitamins and probiotics like somehow they're going to offset this indulgent eat-whatever-bender I have been on. Ha! And don't even get me started on my alcohol consumption. Let's just say it is WAY too frequent and too much.
And now my body hates me. I have lovely puss-y pimples (which I never get), my skin is dry, I am irritable, I am anywhere between constipated and having diarrhea, and now my hemorrhoids from years ago are screaming at me. My body pretty much is saying F-YOU to all the damage I have decided to force upon it these last 2 weeks.
Why you might ask? Because of a multitude of things - mostly a shitty job I hate. I want to run screaming from the building most days of the week. The fact that I am still at said job, when I wanted to leave over a year ago. That at said job my boss who has come in, stirred the pot and left it to overflow, boiling scalding hot, spewing all over the stove, is now leaving because the company has "sucked the chi" out of him and he has "other callings."(Don't we all!?) Leaving us to deal with the mess and frustrations and loose ends of the many things that never got accomplished or straightened out. Also on his second to last day he felt the need to criticize that I did not handle a situation as he would have and that I was "too emotional" Who? Me? Nahhh...not this week buddy.... This also means that owner, ie boss's Dad, comes back in full swing, in all micro-managing glory.
It is also because it is officially spring and all I want to do is be outside in my garden with my dogs and my man, getting dirty, growing beauty and creating life and nourishment for us and our home.
But no I am stuck in a stupid office, doing a stupid job that sucks every iota of life out of me.
Also I have yet to muster up the courage to tell owner/boss that I cannot and will not be working Friday's anymore because I need to focus on my health coach certification (I know the hypocrisy given my recent misgivings, hey, I'm only human). And the anticipation and fear of that conversation is filling me with terror, frustration and anxiety. Because really all I want to do is march in there and quit tomorrow. And OF COURSE they keep asking when am I going to start working Fridays again.
Oh and top it all I am PMSing like no one's business. I want to punch everyone in the throat and ugly cry all at the same time - mostly everyone at work, the poor cashier lady, the driver of the car in front of me, my man, my mom, you name it, I am on a Doritos cheese fingers-covered-wine-induced hormonal war path and you best get the fuck out of my way.
I know, I know, I know.....not healthy, not addressing the "true" problems, not rising above, not finding peace, and knowledge in "the master plan" (of which there is one. Trust, I do not plan to wallow in this misery forever. It fucking sucks and I want to get on with my life.) and all in all not being very namas-fucking-te. But honestly I don't know what to do, except wallow and eat and drink. All I want to do is run away from all of it, which is not realistic. I want to quit tomorrow and spend the rest of my summer doing what I want - which is gardening, writing, doing yoga outside, painting, playing with my dogs, working out, cooking delicious healthy yummy meals, teaching myself how to cook more vegetarian/vegan foods, try a raw diet, have more time for my health coach courses, start taking on health coaching clients, swimming in the ocean, taking the boat out, maybe becoming a certified yoga instructor, but no, I am wallowing, throwing a tantrum and hurting my body instead. AND even though I know better I can't seem to stop this vicious cycle.
It is such bullshit that something so simple as a "job" can effect so much else in our lives. It makes sense intuitively, but I have never gotten it until now. But if you spend 30-40 hours of your 168 hours in a week doing something that you hate, that kills you, that sucks the life force out of you, that you know is broken, can't fix, don't want to fix and don't believe in, then let me tell you that 24% of your weekly life royally sucks.
I need to do better, find peace, have my period start (and yes I know the wallowing and binging and booze and bad eating has brought on the raging bitch PMS), drink less, eat more veggies, eat less dairy and meat, do more yoga, find that peaceful head space about work again and continue on, because there isn't much more time for "the master plan" to unfold I am just getting antsy and I want my way out now!
My body and digestive tract is yelling at me and I must listen or it will only get worse. Sometimes I get so tired of being sensitive because I can't "do what everyone else can do," I can't drown my sorrows in booze and junk food. No matter how hard I force it. I only get a few days before I get aggravated, constipated, my sleep is effected, my mood is effected, the zits appear and the bitch comes out. So two weeks is pushing it WAY too far (sorry to those loved ones around me, thanks for loving me still).
So I am going to be good, eat better, stop drinking alcohol for a while, stop buying potato chips, make my green juice (gagging right now just thinking about it), start getting up earlier in the morning to meditate, practice healing yoga and be nicer to myself, my heart, my emotions, my head space and my body. I am using the wallow as my excuse and work as the evil monster, which it may be, but it is my reality and I can't blame it, when I am working towards a better, brighter, more fulfilling, healthy future.
"Patience my dear, patience."
PS Muster up the balls to ask for Fridays off. Stop with the game and the anxiety.
Love,
Me (your better knowing conscious self)
