Health Russian Roulette

I have been playing Russian Roulette with my health and diet lately. Ignoring all the past-month warning signs has led to the explosive (literally :o) misery of the last 2 days. Ugghh... :(

I have been thoroughly enjoying my foodie filled summer of sunny days, long nights, plenty of BBQs and social gatherings. With these indulgences I have been lax in my typically regimented eating. I am normally gluten free and lactose free always. Minimal meat and dairy. Lots of veggies and whole gf grains. But lately, yeah...not so much. Eat it all has been my MO, cross my fingers, and hope for the best, so far it hasn't caught up with me...

Especially given the bounty of our glorious garden this year, one would think I would I would be eating veggies all-day-erry-day, which I am, BUT I am eating mostly nightshades–peppers, tomatoes, eggplants and potatoes–all of which we are harvesting aplenty right now. While I love these veggies, hence why they populate most of our garden real estate; did you know, nightshades aggravate seasonal allergies? Who knew, right?! Ever notice that your allergies are awful in the fall, ever notice how many garden fresh tomatoes you are consuming at that time, weird correlation. Nightshades cause an inflammatory response in the body and when your body is already on high inflammation alert because of the environmental allergens, the double whammy is a double sniffly-uck-fest for all those seasonal allergy sufferers. 

So while we have been subsisting on nightshades for the last month–hello fresh pasta sauce, caprese, eggplant parmesan, all of which of course must include an abundance of cheese (another food I must avoid). I have been extra "allergy-y" lately and ignoring the signs. I wake up sneezing, having sneezing fits regularly, extra drippy nose, taking my seasonal allergy meds daily, regularly feeling achy in my hips (huge red flag: In fact, scientific research suggests that up to 90% of individuals who suffer from any form of pain or discomfort in the body are sensitive to nightshades–which can trigger an inflammatory response.) I have even had this weird rash around the corners of my mouth (which in Chinese medicine is a sign of a stomach/intestinal infection/discomfort) and yet, keeping on eating my tomatoes and eggplants and cheese, and...

A cheese stuffed pepper and tomato dinner Friday night, led to horrendous gas, lower back and hip aches, and ultimately explosive, diarrhea that has lasted for 2 days now. Gross, ew, don't talk about that stuff, I know, but seriously, we have to talk about it. I have been blatantly ignoring what my body has been subtly telling me for over a month, and now here is my payment, shitting water and stomach cramping for 2 days. I am even telling myself, "I told you so!" 

Isn't it so funny how we play Russian Roulette with our health and the way we eat? We all know what makes us feel better and what is good for us–lots of water, a diet of mostly veggies, limited meat, dairy and processed foods, exercise daily, good restful sleep, yada, yada, yada–we get it! We all know what we "should" be doing and yet we don't do it. Or we do, but on a short term basis. We'll "be good" for a month, 3 months, 6, whatever the timeline is, yet most of us (there are the few that have iron-clad will power and discipline–aliens?) will test our limits, "fall off the wagon", challenge if dairy really gives me gas that clears the room as I writhe in pain, that " 'one piece of fresh whole wheat bread and butter won't kill you' "– but in fact it will. We all know our body's limits and yet we continually test them. Why is that?

We all know when, what, how and why our body is mad or explosively diarrheating all over the place because you ate too much cheese, and yet we still eat the cheese. It is funny how we do that! I know personally I get SO sick of being aware, of having to worry about bringing my own snacks, literally everywhere I go, of having to say, "Oh that looks delicious but I can't", of being the "gluten free girl" the "lactose free girl", the "what crazy thing don't you eat now, girl". I just want to eat and enjoy and live, goddamnit! I don't want to have to worry about my butt exploding or my stomach retching from the inside, or zits appearing as a warning sign that my insides are not happy! Why does my body hate all the foods I love so much?!? 

I know, I know, pity party for one. My rant is over. It has to be, as does my episode of "falling off the wagon". For the last month, that little voice in my head has been very vocal–"Oh, you know, you should really be eating better." "Umm, hello, you can't eat that!" "You'll be sorry if you keep eating like that." "You know, fall is coming–which means, heinous allergy season, you better clean up your act girlie!" What!? You don't have a guilt-tripping-nagging voice in your head all day tell you what you know is better for you?

So, fine. I am waving the white flag, since the bright neon red flags have been evident for over the last month. I surrender. I must be good or else...dun..dun..dunnnahhh! The last two days of misery are enough of a "sign" to shape up. As I write I am drinking a glorious (although horrible tasting) green juice, from all fresh veggies from our garden (and no nightshades). Side note: I have this theory that the worse it tastes, the more your body needs it. Ever notice how some green juices taste awful, while others are delish, and how even the exact same yucky one will taste fine the next time you make it? I think the same thing about wheatgrass shots, if it tastes awful and you gag at the smell of if, do it, drink it up and maybe do it again. While green juice is the last thing I want right now, I really want potato chips and wine, but given that I haven't eaten for two days, I am thinking green juice is the right nutrient boost my insides need, yes, it might give me more diarrhea, but at this point, what's a little more ammo for the explosives.

My moral of this shitting water story for you, (please learn from my lessons), our body's give us signs, small at first, then very obvious. Some of us ignore the signs, unknowingly perhaps, or intentionally. We, you, me, we all, know what our body's need. Each of us is unique in our needs, and only you can know and identify those needs. We must know those needs and also our limitations so that when the signs are there we know how to right the path. To be our own arbiters of health. To know how far you can push yourself (regardless if we should or not). 

It is a choice to choose health, and also to ignore health. If you know the difference and learn to trust that your body is your guide; so long as you learn your signs, we are all be able to achieve our optimal health.

Movement with Intent

I am not initially sure what drew me to to my yoga mat. It certainly wasn't my childhood experiences with yoga. Yoga sucked when I was a kid. All the loud breathing and ohm-ing and laying on the floor for no reason. I wanted to run around outside.

For years my athletic ability has been hard, fast and competitive. Push harder, be stronger, test the limits of my body, stamina and endurance.

I think I even may have been drawn to yoga as an adult because of the fancy poses. I really, really wanted to master a headstand, handstand and crow pose. All of which I can do, but I've realized that's not it. I also started to turn to yoga for my nagging sciatica and psoas troubles. Regular practice has made the nag non-existent, well that, and a new bed! Seriously, totally digressing here, I thought I was just working out too hard, sitting too long or holding my pigeon pose for too long. Nope! It was my bed. A recent trip to CO shed some light on the potential that my bed might be the issue. I had little to no pain while traveling and sleeping in foreign beds, yet as soon as I got home, bam, sciatica and psoas nag back in full force. We all underestimate the value of a quality bed and in turn quality sleep. If you wake up stiff or with aches and pains, consider a new bed. Seriously! So simple, but literally transformative. For months I was thinking my issues were getting worse. Each morning I was so stiff and achy.  'I must be getting old.' Nope, got a new bed; all aches and pains gone. It just occurred to me this morning that I haven't paid any notice to my sciatica in weeks! When it used to be a daily constant nag. Craziness I tell you.

OK, digressing aside, something has changed with my approach to movement. Sure there will be days where I want to do a sweaty spin session or go for a run, but lately, I would rather be more in touch with what my body is telling me than how hard my mind wants to push. 

My yoga practice lately has been more meditative and spiritual than fancy and bendy. I am more interested in poses that restore me and center me, than standing on my head. My new alter is bring a new spiritual awareness that I have never felt so strongly. 

Something has shifted and I can't even really put words to properly describe the shift. But the take-away I hope to share, is listening to your body. So many of us need to push harder, be stronger, sweat more, but there is something about connecting with your body, soul and spirit in your movement. Sure you can sweat. But do what feels good, not what you "should" be doing, not another rep to finish the round or holding chaturanga until you collapse.

There is something to be said about movement with intent, with love, and I think that is the true practice, move your body because you love it, not because you want to punish it, or yourself. Sit still and listen to your breathing because you want a deeper connection with loving yourself.

Sometimes the harder we push the more resistance we get, maybe stop pushing so hard. Maybe surrender. I know, it's hard and surrender is scary, but so is learning to love self. Surrendering to yourself and then "shoulds" and the self-competition is healing. Don't worry if your definition of "exercise" is the same as anyone else's. And also allow it to change. As a person who has spent years pushing my body as hard as possible until it ached, I think there might be something to listening, embracing, loving, accepting and moving my body and mind to connect more to my heart. Move with the intent to love self. And listen to your body, it will tell you the movement you need.

We All Have Shit Days

This morning I woke up cranky. Like binge-watch crappy reality TV, stay in my PJs til 3 pm, eating a bowl of popcorn the size of my head, and drinking before noon cranky. I didn't want to see anyone, do anything–even the dogs were annoying me! That is saying something!

So I angry cleaned, but that didn't even work. Cleaning was making me crankier, whaa?! Angry cleaning often makes my mood better, or at least the clean house does.

So I just surrendered. I accepted my cranky bitchiness, plopped down on the couch and watched embarrassingly bad reality TV. It was deeply satisfying. After some leftover heated up scalloped potatoes, scrambled eggs and too many cups of coffee, I still wanted to throat punch everyone that crossed my path (no I did not actually throat punch anyone, I stayed home for this reason); I mustered up some energy to get the few things I needed to do today, done. I reluctantly peeled myself off the couch, half-assedly put on yoga pants, like somehow that is an acceptable equivalent to PJ pants (trust, I contemplated wearing PJs in public today. NO I did not, don't judge) and ventured out, hoping to holy hell I saw no one and didn't have to talk to anybody. Don't even get me started on the irritation level when I got to the place and had to wait 30 minutes because they were closed for lunch, "Seriously, who needs to eat lunch?!" (See the irrational anger of the day!)

I finally got home which took longer than expected, I barely dressed enough to be seen in public and 30+ minutes was passed the point of safely not running into someone I know.

Of course the dogs are pleading for their daily walk, "Fuckiing dogs! God why did I get dogs?? DoggsAH!! I don't like doggsah, whhhatt do you waaant from meeeee??!" (It's bad people!)

But I took them on a walk to the post office, which is not a regular walk for us. It is relatively short and on a really busy road with no sidewalk, but they seemed to enjoy it, and shockingly so did I.

Now that I had my "must dos" done, it is time for the PJs to go back on, the wine to come out, the buttery, salty goodness to coat my finger tips and epic bitch battles of all that is reality TV to commence...but wait...that is not exactly how it played out.

I came home. Doggies panting and happy. I didn't get the buttery salt kernels going, instead I made an Asian coleslaw with napa cabbage, red cabbage, sliced, raw poblano pepper, fermented cabbage, ginger, carrots, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, garbanzo beans in a white miso, honey, garlic, rice vinegar, Braggs liquid aminos, and sesame oil dressing. It was delicious and crunchy and salty and nutritious (clearly not an important goal of mine today). And surprisingly I am less eager to drink wine, shame watch TV and shove popped corn in my mouth.

The takeaway as to why I am sharing with you my irrational ire that has perpetuated throughout this crappy day...acknowledge, accept and even embrace where you are emotionally. Don't try to ignore it. Say out loud, "I am feeling fill in the blank (crabby, bitchy, cranky, moody, emotional, throat punchy, hangry) and I love and accept myself." It is okay to have a shit day, a shit mood, hell, a shit period in life, it happens to everyone. Rather than unleash the self hate and loathing; acknowledge, love and accept that you are human, that you have emotions, hormones or a deeply twisted relationship with popcorn and just allow yourself to be that. It too shall pass. Or maybe it occurs to you that you are PMSing hard core and that explains all the craziness! Seriously don't mess with a bitch PMSing, get her whatever she wants and slowing back out of the room. Even saying out loud, especially to your significant other, "I am PMSing hard right now," is SO valuable! To you and your significant other AND your relationship. They don't take it personally. They understand your need to eat everything in sight and will be more likely to do a junk food run for you. Win, win. And no petty fights.

Don't be ashamed of your emotions, head space, or general meh-ness. Accepting it, allowing it space to be, then pass and even kindly reminding those around you that you aren't always a heinous bitch, will allow them to give you space, and still love you once it's passed. Oh, and a little bit of exercise really, really, like really, helps with a shitty mood. Yes, I know, it is the last thing you want to do, but even 5-10 minutes, seriously, just walk, you'll be amazed! Seriously, I am somewhat amazed that I don't have butter running down my chin right now.

Lastly, my whatever meh-ness today reminded me of a simple interaction while standing in line at a cash register yesterday. The woman in front of me had two fussy kids, a cart full of baby necessities, and a bunch of cards and coupons in her hands. The kids were flailing and fussing. The mom scanned each item with her phone before placing it on the conveyer belt (coupons?) and then ended up paying with 5 different cards. Every few seconds telling her kids to be quiet, or sit still and wait. I stood watching the whole thing, thinking well poo I picked the wrong line, thinking 1 person would be faster then the other line of 3, ha ha. Rather than switch lines, rather than judge, I stood there and observed. The mom got more and more irritated. The kids couldn't do anything right. The kids were getting louder and louder and the cashier was judging SO hard, that by the time I got to the register she made a noise, an eye roll and a geez-head nod, like "get a load of that." I didn't engage immediately as I think she was hoping, you know, get on the judge-y train. Instead I said, "She looks like she is having a rough day." The cashier looked surprised and then went, "Awww." Like how sweet, I guess. I didn't think much more of the interaction, other than we ALL need to be less judgmental of each other (me included!). If we interact with everyone with compassion and love, then judgment doesn't have a place.

So I sincerely hope that in all my bitchy, throat punching thoughts, ire-filled morning while running my few errands, no one was judging me and not understanding I really would rather have been on my couch in all my PJ-princess, bitchy glory. We all have those days. For all you know that is the day the lady in front of you in line with the screaming kids is having.

Remember compassion for self and others. This has been my lesson over the last two days.

Love = Change

There are so many different ways to define, look and be healthy. We are all different and thus health looks, feels, moves, acts, IS different for all of us.

There are standard health guidelines: eat real, whole foods regularly, move daily, be happy, have meaningful relationships in your life, have a spiritual connection to your needs/soul/God/higher power, do something that fulfills you – be it your passion-filled career, or a job that facilitates your passions outside of work. Lastly, drink water, the occasional glass of wine and remember to slow down, breathe and get consistently "good" (whatever is right for you) sleep. Oh and an orgasm from time to time never hurt anyone (well maybe, but, you know what I mean), a healthy sex life is important too.

That's it! That is living a "healthy life". We all fulfill those guidelines differently and each guideline carries more weight than others, and we all prioritize accordingly. Nowhere do you see maintain ideal weight, have chiseled abs, defined biceps and triceps, flowing long, perfectly highlighted hair, fake but real looking long-ish nails, a perfect relationship, a perfect job – seriously forget, no better yet, REMOVE THE WORD PERFECT FROM YOUR LIFE! Seriously! The word alone is setting you, me, everyone up for failure and disappointment. Perfect is bullshit and there is nothing such as "perfect"!

If we remove perfect we focus on being easier on ourselves. We all need to be easier on ourselves! I am by no means preaching, this is just as much a reminder for me, as it might be for you. I think everyone struggles with this. We are all our own worst critic. We pick ourselves apart, we are constantly striving for perfection (there's that evil word again), we are never enough, doing enough, trying hard enough, and then we compare to others and that ups the ante even more, we need, want, must be something that what we aren't right now. It's gotta stop.

We must all accept ourselves as we are RIGHT NOW! We can't continually live for the "if, then's"....if I lose 50 pounds, then someone will love me. If I work extra long hours, then I will get the raise I deserve. If...then, if...then...if we all continually live from if to then, then we will never really be living our lives now. Right now.

There are so many amazing body positivity campaigns, models, progressive movements in media right now, which is AHMAAZING! It is about time we show diversity in media – size, color, sex, gender – the more we see that we are all different, unique, beautiful, and embrace different definitions of beauty and success, we might all learn to be a little easier on ourselves. To learn to love ourselves more. And I'm not talking about ego here, I am talking about genuine, heart-felt, compassionate, non-judgmental, forgiving love towards self.

Change comes from love – externally and internally – I am thinking this might be an amazing mantra for our world right now. Without getting political and global, addressing the overwhelming amount of hatred and anger and horror and sadness in the world, imagine if we approached ourselves with love and compassion, we could only approach others with a similar love.

There is a preponderance of professing self-love in media (or maybe it is just what I am aware of) which is awesome and completely necessary, but I worry about this possible trap: the need to publicly declare self-love because it is the hot thing to do. Any positive self-talk makes a difference in your perception of yourself (side note: please, please, please for yourself and everyone, stop the self depreciating, breaking-yourself-apart-talk. You might think it is funny or somehow will allow you to save face in front of someone, but the more you do it, the more you absorb it, mentally, emotionally, physically and the more you believe it. If you are your own worst critic and you are constantly cutting yourself down, then you know what, you actually believe it.) With that being said, don't lie to yourself either; if you are not feeling positive about yourself and you are hating on you, you are much better off saying nothing – out loud or mentally – then the funny, self deprecating comment. If publicly decreeing your self-love, or your no thigh gap, your bulbous-y toes, your small boobs or your dad-bod then by all means, do it, sing it loud and proud, show it off and be you! But don't do it, don't lie to yourself because you think you "should".

If change comes from love, no amount of self-hatred, self-depreciation, or faking it, saying "I'm loud and I'm proud," but still cutting yourself down inside your head or in front of the mirror naked, will facilitate real, lasting change. 

Accept, love, embrace, acknowledge yourself as you are right. this. very minute. Say it, say it now, out loud, "I love and accept myself, as I am right this very moment." Don't add a "but" or a "..." to the end of that or an "if, then," say it over and over and over, and if you know anything about Emotional Freedom Technique (see my post) tap while you profess your self-love. Do it now. Do it daily. Do it whenever you feel the self deprecating comment lurking.

If you want to change – your body, your mind space, your job, your life, your relationship, your dread of exercise – those changes will come from a place of love, a place of full acceptance, as is.

As we can see, not much changes inside us, within our immediate circles and in the bigger world from hate. No change comes from hate, self-deprecation, or cutting yourself or anyone down.

If we all learn to work on loving self more, perhaps, perhaps will learn to love others; and then real change is possible.

Cheat Days

Everyone loves a cheat day! It's the day of the weak that the fat kid inside all of us gets to come out and gorge with the excuse, "Oh, it's okay, It's my cheat day!" as you shove another doughnut in your already full mouth.

It's a day to go hog-wild, eat and drink what you want, of all you have been deprived of all week long. 

While I am all for indulgence, I think cheat days are dumb. Yeah, I said it! What!?

I know plenty of diets and people who live for their cheat day. I get it, one day to let loose (well kinda) and eat that which you have been avoiding the remainder of the week. But really all you get is 1 day! One day!? Does no else see this as a major design flaw to massive overconsumption?

If it works for you, great, keep at it, everyone is different. But if you are enticed by a cheat day diet plan, I say don't go there. I think it is ridiculous to restrict a whole week's diet and then indulge on one day. Most people I know who are unsuccessful with cheat day diets are those who eat everything and anything in sight on their cheat day. While I can't say I'm surprised, if you are have wicked cravings all week long and then you get one day, you are gonna eat the whole bag of chips, the whole tub of ice cream, the entire bottle of wine and then some.

Cheat day diets are not addressing the core problem that any fad diet has, which is restrict, restrict until goal weight then gorge, and likely gain more weight than before. Your relationship with food and your weight can't be that up and down; or that indulgent and then super restrictive. 

What you eat and the diet you choose to follow should be centered around balance. We should aim for balance in all aspects of our lives, especially around food. 

If we only get this one life, are you really going to be satisfied on your death bed because you ate salad every day and were your goal weight your entire life, probably not. That's not what's going to matter at that point. What will matter are the memories with your loved ones around a Thanksgiving dinner table, or enjoying cake as you watched your 1 year grandchild rub frosting in their hair, or the night you got pissant drunk on your girls night out. So what if you were never your goal weight (don't even get me started on scales!!) So what if you are perpetually 5-10 pounds around your "goal weight". At the end of it all, what will matter is if you were happy, if you loved and felt loved, were fulfilled on a soul level and were balanced!

It is actually FAR worse to swing from super "good" to super "bad". To go from a strict vegan diet to I-eat-everything-in-sight cookie monster diet throughout your life. You screw up your metabolism, your cells get all confused and if anything, your body freaks out and holds onto more fat because it is so unsure the next time it is going to get a proper meal. Your immune system, heart, brain and metabolism are all compromised when you eat on a constant pendulum of restrict-gorge.

So rather than aim for a goal weight or to fit into a tight dress for a special event, think long term, think about balance throughout the rest of your life, not just the next few months.

If you are having a craving look at it. Observe it. Question it. But without judgement! That is the hard part for most of us. Think of your craving as if you were an unbiased, third party observer. Ask yourself why you think you might be having a craving for chocolate–you need intimacy in your life? Carbs–you've been sleep deprived for 2 months? Caffeine–maybe a regular workout routine is in order? Alcohol–lets consider your stress levels. Cravings are not bad, they are a clue! Often that clue points to something in your life that is missing in love, relationships, career, movement, or spirituality.

Again balance is key; in your personal needs in life and your food needs. If you can identify a craving as associated with a key aspect in your life, that is huge! To make that connection mentally and emotionally is groundbreaking for many. And if you know fulfilling that craving in a small way will help because at that moment you can physically fulfill that need, then I say, indulge (in moderation).

But that leads me to my last point, it's not about deprivation. Have a glass of wine with dinner out with friends. Enjoy a piece of birthday cake. Eat a bowl of chips. But balance it out. Have balanced meals more often than not. Eat real, whole foods and lots and lots of veggies. Drink green juice. Exercise daily. Find love in your life. Build relationships that are meaningful. Try to like your job more days than you don't, and if you can't, get a new one. Find a way to connect with yourself, nature and your "god" on a regular basis. All these are crucial to leading a balanced life where cheat days shouldn't be the day you look forward to each week.

Live this life, now. Do what you need to find balance and joy, even if that means having a piece of chocolate from time to time (just make sure it is the best damn chocolate you can afford, seriously, quality makes a huge, huge difference!).