It Is Never Just About the Weight

Weight gain is so much more than just eating too much and not moving enough. For many people weight gain is a symptom, just like headaches or acne are symptoms of potential dehydration, lactose intolerance or hormone imbalance.

Unfortunately in our thin obsessed society, weight gain is demonized and the people who gain it are labeled as lazy or gluttonous or both. Yet, then why is the weight loss/diet industry a $63 billion industry? People can't be that lazy if they are willing to spend $63 billion of their hard earned money to be thin. There are numerous companies that promise if you eat this way, move that way, drink this chalky drink or swallow a magic pill that the weight will just melt away. And it will....for a while. But likely, as many of us know, who have tried the food, exercise, magic pill, fad diet, it comes back. It almost always comes back if we are just addressing the weight as the problem.

The weight is not often the root problem. The weight is often the symptom of a root problem not being addressed.

The ACE's study at Kaiser Permanente in California started as a weight loss study. The doctors leading the study thought they would be able to understand why their participates were overweight or obese and have continually yoyo dieted their entire lives in attempt to lose the weight, yet inevitably gained it back and then some. The initial point of the study was to treat the weight, but what the study ultimately found was that for a majority of the participants, weight was a symptom or even a sense of protection. Try as they might the doctors could not treat just the weight. Many participants initially had success on their limited calorie diets and regular exercise routines, some even losing significant amount of weight, but then something would happen and the participants would drop out of the study, never to return, some would "slip" and binge eat, other's couldn't explain it even though they were following the plan, they were gaining or not fluctuating. This flabbergasted the doctors leading the study.

What started as a weight loss study addressing the weight gain as the symptom turned into what is the well known now as the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study, which identified that 75% of people who struggle with weight have had at least 1 ACE on the questionnaire developed during of the study. And that the more ACEs someone has, the more likely they are to be overweight and struggle with weight related illnesses. And anyone with 4 or more ACEs will likely have a whole host of health related concerns. With each ACE a person has, they have an increased likelihood for diabetes, cancer, obesity, heart attack, depression, etc.

Learning about ACEs and the study is really quite fascinating and once you learn about it is very hard to look at overweight and obese people with anything other than compassion. Weight is a symptom of suffering, of pain, of issues on a deeper level than that person may not care to share with anyone, perhaps, let alone themselves. Weight can act as an armor of sorts, a protection from connection, or intimacy, it can act as a physical barrier, it can physiologically be a sense of comfort to the hurting heart inside.

Even Weight Watchers, the leading weight loss company in the US, has adopted a new model recently. They are no longer focusing on numbers and calories. They have added community, mindfulness and psychological support to their programming, even changing the name to "WW". If a major weight loss corporation can see that we can't just treat the weight then hopefully we can begin to see, as a society, that it is never just about the weight.

For many people food is comfort. That's why we crave "comfort food" when we feel homesick or lonely, or tired, or it is just a Tuesday night after a stressful work day. Food can, for many, fill an emotional need. Turning to food for comfort does not make a person weak or gluttonous, if anything we are trained from a very young age to use food as comfort. Often children are offered a treat when they fall and get a boo boo. Food treats are given as reward too, for a job well done or getting a good grade. Food is central at a funeral and a wedding. We bring food to people who are grieving or eat mindlessly while we zone out in front of the TV. Food is central to everything we do. And we also associate a lot of foods with emotional times in our lives. It makes sense then, that we learn and default to patterns of food comfort as adults.

If we do not learn different coping mechanisms or don't address the emotions head-on (which is tough stuff!) we default to "I have a booboo" (physical or emotional) I need ice cream, candy, a treat to make it all go away and feel better. Which it does! That's the amazingly cool thing about our anatomy when it comes to our dopamine receptors. Next time you are feeling down or stressed and you turn to a treat for comfort, notice how your body responds. It will likely feel tight and tense to begin with, then you will decide you need a treat; there is the decision process, which is exciting and fun, and occupies your mind; then you get to enjoy your treat, which is glorious and delicious and relaxing; then you feel that rush of dopamine pleasure rush through your brain and body; reveling in the dopamine glow, you forget (at least for a while) what caused you to seek out the treat in the first place. Boom, the treat has done exactly what you sought it out to do in the first place. Comfort.

So the next time you feel yourself gaining weight or your pants don't fit anymore don't beat yourself  up and call yourself lazy or bad for eating all the donuts, ask yourself, what is going on here? What is going on on a deeper level? Check in with your emotional state. Are you taking care of your emotional needs? Have you been triggered? Do you need to journal or talk to someone? A great trick before you eat the treat is to put a hand on your heart and a hand on your stomach. Take a deep breath, exhale, and ask yourself, is my heart hungry for this treat? Wait for the answer. Then ask, is my stomach hungry for this treat? Wait for the answer. Not that the answer will make you eat or not eat the treat, the act of pausing and checking in with your needs, potentially emotional, physical or both, is the goal.

(To take the ACEs questionnaire go here. And to learn more about ACEs I would highly recommend two books, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. (one of the leading doctors in the ACEs study) and The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-term Effects of Childhood Adversity, by Nadine Burke Harris, M.D.)

What Being Vegan Means to Me and What I Have Learned so Far

I am going on 2 months of a plant based diet, free of gluten, dairy and animal products (well except eggs). I am feeling amazing! I think this is really fascinating given the last time I went vegan for 3 weeks I was miserable. Several things factored into my misery last time, I believe, 1) I had no motivation other than my IIN Health Coaching curriculum suggesting we try different ways of eating throughout the year-long course 2) It was January in Maine (who doesn't crave meat and cheese and bread in the winter!? I know I certainly do.) 3) I didn't educate myself. I figured, I know about food. I know how to cook. I know how to eat vegan. But, actually I didn't. I needed to approach shopping, cooking and eating differently. And I needed to learn how to cook differently. 4) I removed a key macronutrient from my diet and didn't replace it with anything.

There are 3 macronutrients we all need to survive. Protein, fats and carbohydrates. Depending on the diet you follow and/or your dietary goals, you play around with the percentages of your macros. For a paleo or keto diet you would have protein and fats at really high percentages 60-80% and carbs super low. If you are on a plant based diet you will likely have a lower protein percentage of 10-20%. The key though is, we all need all macros. Remember in the 90s when carbs were vilified and people completely cut out all carbohydrates. Remember the bread rage? We all need some carbs, and just so we are all on the same page, vegetables are in that carbohydrate category. Actually, no one wants to completely cut out carbs, because vegetables are an essential part of any diet. Unfortunately, when most people think carbs, they think simple, refined carbs, like bread, bagels, crackers, pasta, etc. Vegetables are complex carbs and offer fiber, water and vitamins and minerals. Don't vilify carbs. Last time I tried a vegan diet, I just removed protein from my diet and upped my fat and vegetable carb intake. It worked for a while until I was ravenous and had dreams of dancing eggs multiple nights in a row. What I have learned is you can't just remove a macronutrient from your diet and not replace it. You can't just poof protein out of your diet and hope for the best, you will fail. Just like poofing all carbs or all fat, your body rejects this way of eating, and you turn into a hangry beast. 

I didn't, and still don't want to eat a ton of soy products. I know there is evidence, especially circulating in the vegan world, that soy products are in fact, good for you. I don't know, evidence is great, but I am going to trust my gut on this one. While I have introduced some soy products into my life, they are not every day and are in very small amounts. And I still consciously buy products that don't have too much soy in them. (I need to go on a little side bar here, I can't with crap-filled, chemicalized, highly processed vegan foods. They are not healthier just because they are lacking animal products. I still firmly believe that we need to eat as close to how the food comes from the Earth. All the hydrogenated oils and highly processed "healthy" vegan foods are not good for anyone. I don't care how clean-vegan you are. Your body does not assimilate processed foods. I can't. And I won't. And you should seriously reconsider. The end.) With that being said, now that I have introduced some soy products as a form of protein I am feeling much better than with no protein at all. Vegainase makes a soy-free blend, which is awesome. Loving the hell out of that! I have even found 2 vegan cheeses, both of which are limited ingredients and very clean. 1 with soy and coconut, called Chao (side note, this cheese is the best! It actually tastes like real cheese, minus a faint coconut after taste) and Myiokos cashew cheese. I wouldn't exactly eat it on it's own, but it melts perfectly. This weekend I will attempting to make my own vegan cheese, which I am SO excited about! I found this recipe. I'll let you know how it turns out.

I had to learn how to cook vegan food. I know this sounds silly. I am a well versed cook. I feel very confident in the kitchen. I rarely follow recipes, I use them more for inspiration, always tweaking as I go. The thing is, that didn't work for me with vegan meals. I couldn't just omit the animal products and gluten, and try a substitute. I actually had to do research. I had to follow recipes. 2 years ago that undertaking felt daunting. This time, I am feeling inspired. I want to expand my ability to cook. I want to learn new recipes. I want to understand how to make something creamy without any diary (cashews people, cashews are the best!). I joined the 22 Day Vegan Challenge suggested my James Aspey, more for recipe inspiration than anything. I ignored a lot of what was going on in the group, because I didn't need that support in the way they offer it, but I did find the recipes that were shared by the mentors and fellow participants super helpful. Oh She Glows, It Doesn't Taste Like Chicken, Veggies Don't Bite, Simple Vegan Blog and the Food Monster app are all great resources I have found along the way. Trust me when I say you need resources if your are attempting a vegan lifestyle. I felt extremely confident that I knew what I was doing and realized that I didn't know as much as I needed too.

I love beans and beans love me. Not everyone can eat beans. Don't know? Eat some and see how your body responds. Also certain blood types digest beans better (As and Bs). If you are an O blood type, being vegan may be really, really hard for you. With that being said I don't think veganism is for everyone. I certainly will never be "that" vegan who advocates that everyone should give up all animal products. Yes, I think we could all cut down considerably on our animal product consumption, for our own health, for the animals and for environmental well being. But everyone is different. Every body is different. I think if you are going to try going vegan you need to know your self and your body well. You also have to continually check in with your intention and motivation towards eating a vegan diet.

Eggs. Yup, I said eggs. Die hard vegans would yell at me for still eating eggs. Sure, some could say I am not techinically a vegan becasue I am still eating eggs. First of all, I am not eating eggs every day. Not even every other. I eat them when I want them, which is a few times a week, and not even every week. The eggs I get are from a beautiful farm down the road. The chickens are free range, happy chickens, fed a great soy-free diet. I feel good about my eggs and my consumption of them. So curse me if you must, call me not a real vegan, but for right now that is what is working for me. Which brings me to another thought; strict, cold tofurkey veganism is a major shift for some, especially if you are not replacing your animal protein with plant based protein. So, in my opinion, if you need to gradually work towards veganism, because it is important to you, then slowly get there. Cut out things as you go. Listen to your body.

I have never been one for layering my foods. Unless it is a lasagna, I would make what I make and eat it. I would never add dressing and seeds and nuts, EVOO, and tahini, or peanut butter, etc. What I have learned this time around is layering your foods is important to feel satisfied, and also to get complete proteins. So for example, if I had sautéed greens in the morning with a half an avocado, traditionally that would be it, with some eggs perhaps, but now it is the greens, with a whole avocado, drizzled with tahini, sprinkled on hemp seeds, sunflower seeds and drizzled with more olive oil. Think about when you make oatmeal, don't just make oatmeal, but add coconut oil and peanut butter, while you are cooking it, then add nuts, seeds, non-dairy milk, fruit, etc. Leaving out the essential fats and protein combination leaves you with a high carb meal, which your body digest quickly, leaving you hungry a couple hours later. Haven't you ever been hungry 2 hours later after eating oats? You are missing the layering of fats and protein. Try it out!

Something interesting has happened over the last two months. I cannot stand the smell of meat. It is disgusting! It actually makes me gag. It smells like burning flesh. A has not jumped on my vegan bandwagon, although he will happily enjoy a vegan meal with me. He is still eating meat, which he cooks. Ugh, I can't. I roasted a turkey for Thanksgiving, it was disgusting. Having to unwrap it and dress it, and smell it cooking. I was seriously grossed out. It smelled kind of ok when it was out of the oven all golden roasty. I even ate a small piece, but spit it out. The texture, the taste, ugh. I was actually grossed out. It is not like I planned for this to happen. It just happened. It actually happened with bacon, BACON, to start. A made bacon wrapped blue cheese stuffed dates. I had to go stand outside. I was so grossed out by the bacon and the blue cheese. OMG, what is happening to me!!? I can't speak for anyone else, but man, this was not a shift I saw coming. I have ZERO interest in eating any meat. The smell is so offensive to me, why would I want to put that in my mouth?

Cheese though, well it's cheese. Cheese is my weakness. Minus blue cheese, nope all set. That shit nasty. (Oh my god, who am I??!) Cheese is my crack. Actually they have done studies on cheese and it is actually addictive. It hits the same dopamine receptors in the brain as some drugs and sugar does. Who knew? Anyway, cheese has been harder for me. I had 1 piece of cheese the other day and man was it delicious, but I didn't need or want more, and I haven't had any since. Well except, we went out to a Mexican restaurant the other night and I really wanted a cheese enchilada, so I got one. Bad idea! I was so gassy and uncomfortable all night long. So totally wasn't worth it. That was the end of my cheese dreams. If you are lactose intolerant you know the cheese pain. It's never worth it.

While not even a factor on this journey of veganism, I feel like I have lost some weight. My pants are fitting better, not so pinchy. I don't own a scale, so I don't know exactly how much, nor, do I care. That is not the goal for me. The goal has always been to feel good. To feel better than where I was. And that has been the case. The nagging back/sciatica pain is entirely gone, meaning I'm less inflamed. And I can workout everyday, squats, weights and all, and I feel amazing. It is really nice to be back at a mobility and fitness level I have always been at, but has been lessened over the last year due to nagging inflammatory back pain. That is how I got started on this vegan journey this time. That has always been my motivation, to feel really good and to get rid of that damn sciatica. It has been gone since week 2 of this vegan thing, so why mess with a good thing?

How Back Pain led to Dairy Free and now Veganism

For over the last year I have had this aching, sometimes debilitating, but mostly just irritating sciatica. I have tried diet changes along with many other modalities such as body work, restorative yoga, Yamuna, aerial yoga, inversions, and nothing seemed to help for long. I even bought a sacro-belt and new orthotics for my shoes, which again helped, temporarily. Always a person who loves to workout, this nagging back issue has effected my ability to workout. Squats were out, lunges, nope, any form of weight lifting, ack. I have had this constant pain and started to succumb to the potential reality that sciatica would effect me for the rest of my life. In truth, I have had some sort of hip/back/sciatic/psoas issue since my teens, but never for very long and never as debilitating as over the last year. If I stood or sat too long it would get aggravated. If I lifted heavy things without my sacro-belt, it would get aggravated. If I worked in the garden too much, bending over pulling weeds it would aggravate it. Pretty much everything I did aggravated it. I mean I was able to go about my life teaching my group fitness class, exercising mostly, but avoiding all squatting motions, I even bartended this summer and did ok. But after my 3 back-to back-shifts though, and with a farmers' market booth in between, I was hurting pretty bad Saturday mornings.

Then one day I heard something about how bad dairy really is for inflammation. I mean, of course, I know that. But over the years, dairy has slowly creeped back into my diet. All lactose free or fermented dairy, so I thought I was doing well. I didn't eat much, but as the late nights after my bartending shift accumulated and I was awake and hungry when I got home, a quick quesadilla or grilled cheese would hit the spot. At the time it didn't feel like much, but in hindsight, it was a lot more dairy than I thought.

And then I spoke with a friend who recently cut out dairy and she said it literally made her sciatica go away in days! Really?! I couldn't believe that something as simple as cutting out dairy would make back pain go away.  But always curious about the body and willing to experiment with dietary changes effecting the way I feel, one day I said, 'yup that's it, no more dairy.' I mean I know I shouldn't eat dairy. I know it is inflammatory. I know I am lactose intolerant. I know, I know...but the implementing is always the hard part. So one day, I just stopped eating dairy.

Now it has been about a month and half since I cut out dairy. And literally, I kid you not, 4 days after I cut it out cold turkey, my sciatica was gone. GONE! Not like kinda gone, but gone gone. I felt better, less lethargic, my bowels were better, but all I cared about was that nagging back pain that has irritated me for over almost a year was gone! So eventually I had to try my dreaded squats. I took it easy the first time. Nothing. No pain. No radiating irritation down my leg and up my back. Nothing. Gardening was a breeze. Even last night I took my first Brazilian dance class in a long time. It is a lot of hip action. I was nervous because after the class, as we were cooling down I could feel my back tighten up and get the sensation I used to get before the whole thing would lock up and I would be in pain for the next few days. Today, I feel great! I am sore from not using back, lower ab and hip muscles I haven't used in a while, but it is not like last year when I took this class, where I was out of commission the next day due to the pain.

So dairy free = pain free! At least for me. I kid you not! I didn't believe it either. Give it a try, if you are curious.

This whole body experiment and nutrition is a slippery slope I tell ya (in a good way) 😉, so I have been eating meat, but not much, actually, actively less since I have cut out dairy. Then I asked myself 2 weeks ago, why? Why are you eating meat? I have actively been reducing my meat consumption. I have never been a huge meat eater. I don't digest it well and I feel all over slowed/bogged down when I eat too much meat. Granted, I am only ever eating local, organic and/or grass-fed or pasture raised meat (ideally all of the above). So I have considered myself a conscious meat eater. But somewhere in the back of my mind, veganism has been swirling around. If you recall I gave veganism a try back in 2015, which you can read here and here. It. Was. Hard. I have never craved eggs so much in my life. But this time it feels different. I am already gluten free (Always! Going on 8 years now!) and now completely dairy free and continually reducing my meat consumption, so how far off is being a vegan?

I listened to @yoga_girl 's podcast recently with her guest speaker James Aspey on veganism and something clicked. I think maybe because I was toying with the idea already, I was more receptive. And it wasn't the horror stories James talked about in the meat and diary industry that did it. I've always disliked that freak-out tactic of veganism, but 2 things stuck with me; the way he and Rachel approached it was not forceful and both talked about veganism from a place of love, compassion and education. James didn't even shame Rachel, when she admittedly called her self a hypocrite because she too, has let dairy creep into her life. And who are we to determine which animals we eat. In some countries they eat dogs. I could never even consider eating my beloved dogs and yet I consider myself an animal lover. And pigs are just as smart and personable as dogs. So why do we eat them? And the dairy industry is just as awful as a slaughter house. I am not trying to convince anyone, because I believe everyone's journey is different and happens in its own way towards your goal of feeling your best. So listen for yourself.

I am not one of those crazy vegans, forcibly telling people that you should know about all the horrible things that happen in the meat and dairy industries. I know scare tactics and forceful advocacy wouldn't work on me. So I would never do that to anyone else. For me, this is a personal journey, that started with removing dairy from my diet. Then realizing meat just didn't sit well with me, physically and consciously. Also, because I struggled so hard the first time around with veganism, I was kind of curious to see how I would do a second time. With that being said, I am still eating eggs. I feel without eggs I am doomed to fail and also I feel ok with my choice, because I am getting my eggs from my neighbor and I know they are free range and happy chickens. But to each her own. We all need to be conscious in our bodies and also conscious beings in the world. We make choices every day and I am currently choosing to do what feels best for me, my body, my mind, my soul and my health.

The Power of Sleep

Sleep is an amazing thing that most of us don't think much about and certainly don't pay enough attention to, nor appreciate enough, and yet most of us are sleep deprived most of time...

As with anything in my life and my body I am putting myself through a current experiment with food, well more the, lack of some foods. I have been without alcohol or coffee for 2 weeks now. I am actively trying to find answers to a few things: 
• why my liver doesn't seem to be processing as well as it could
• why my cells aren't at optimal turnover and rejuvenation, given my age and good health
• paying more attention to how certain foods on the Eat Right for Your Blood Type diet do or don't effect me. 
All of this inquisitive investigation came from a visit with a new naturopathic doctor I met last month. She mentioned how impressed she is with all the lifestyle and dietary changes I have made over the years. So, unlike most of the patients that go to see her, we were able to talk about optimal health with a fine tooth comb and evaluate the nitty gritty of my diet and lifestyle. As always, I came home and did some research since I am an info junky, and now I am giving some of her ideas a whirl, plus adding in some extras of my own, including: eating my largest meal at lunch time, actively getting vegetables into each meal, drinking only 1 cup of green tea in the morning (that's all I want and need, as compared to my 2 cups of coffee), starting each morning with hot water and lemon, probiotics and yoga, having breakfast everyday (which happened naturally as soon as I cut out the coffee, I am naturally hungry within the first couple hours of waking).

Per the ND's suggestion, I read up on Dr. D'Adamo's Blood Type Diet approach to eating. Of course I know it. I have learned about it, in fact, I did a report on it in school, way back when (again another hint in my academic career that nutrition was the path for me - duh!). Without thinking much of it I haven't had chicken in a month. Crazy, right!? I don't think I ever thought to cut out something so benign and common in my diet. (I guess I've cut out chicken before on the vegan diet, but all I could think about was eggs, read that funny post here.). B blood types should avoid chicken, oddly enough there is a lectins in chicken, that Bs specifically do not assimilate well. I roasted a chicken with veggies the other night, man was it good. But the gas that immediately came after - yeah, not so much. I didn't eat the chicken for a day. Then had a very small amount yesterday, again, gassyness. Weird? Right? Who the hell ever heard of chicken making them fart? But something may be there. Maybe the blood type diet theory is onto something. I eat relatively close to it already, given a few changes, and switching out avoids for highly beneficial foods as a B. From a scientific standpoint it makes sense. We all evolved from certain regions in the world. And based on those regions we had limited resources to food. So our bodies adapted and evolved only knowing, eating, assimilating certain foods, it is in our DNA. It was not like it is now, where we have a global food marketplace and everyone eats everything. The Blood Type Diet focuses on our ancestry. Our blood types are a clue to our regional heritage and with that knowledge knowing how to eat based on how our ancestors ate and is optimal for our DNA. Interesting indeed!

I woke up this morning impressed by my quality of sleep lately. I have always valued my sleep. It is super important to me to get enough quality sleep. In fact, it is even more important for anyone around me that I get enough sleep. I am wretched if I don't. A couple years ago A and I stopped sleeping in the same bed and room because both of our qualities of sleep were being effected negatively that it was causing tension in our relationship. We both have different needs when it comes to the quality of our sleep; down to a difference in blankets, temperature of the room, waking in the middle of the night for water or to pee, lighting, moving too much; let me tell you it is amazing given our many, many sleep-need differences that we slept in the same bed as long as we did. It is not a reflection of the quality of your relationship if you do not sleep in the same bed, by the way! If anything, sleeping in the same bed may be some of the problems in your relationship. Just consider it.

It has always been a bit harder for me to fall asleep. I have to read in order to fall asleep. It is rare that I can crawl into bed and fall asleep. Typically I read for 30 minutes and then fall asleep. God be with you if you wake me up in the middle of the night. Man am I cranky. That also means I do not wake up in the middle of the night. I don't get up to pee or drink water. Occasionally I wake up because of stress and too many thoughts (but not nearly like I used to). And I used to wake up regularly on my period, but not since I started using the Diva Cup. I kid you not, it has changed my periods forever! And for the last 6 months, I have been waking around 3 am most nights, and that was because of my liver. So, now that I am addressing that, no more waking in the middle of the night and I am so stoked about that. I also wake up slowly in the morning. Not groggy per say, just everything moves slow. I don't like to be jolted awake, I hate alarms for that reason. I like to lay in bed, stretch, keep my ear plugs in long after my eyes are open. I like to be silent in the morning, with little talking or interaction, except maybe with Addi, our golden boxer. That is one of the few times in the day she is cuddly, so sometimes she gets in bed with me as I read or write early in the morning.

I typically go to bed between 10-11 p,m, and wake anywhere between 6 and 8 a.m. For the last 2 weeks though, I have been up no later than 7:30 bright eyed and bushy tailed. Still not jumping out of bed and talking a mile a minute (like a certain someone else in my house ;) ), but I am waking very mentally clear and excited and energized for the day. I am eager to write first thing in the morning and eager to do yoga in my PJs and bathrobe. Normally I would get up, go get my coffee and lounge on the couch for an hour or so, depending on the day's agenda. But these last couple of weeks I am excited and energized to get up to start moving my body at 6 am! Speaking of moving, it is amazing my poop lately (yep, I went there, you can always count on me to talk about poop) it just falls out as soon as I wake up. No I am not pooping in my bed, don't worry! But seriously, I open my eyes, I fart once or twice and then I need to poop. And it just slides right out. Boom, done easy, clean. So cool! 

If you had asked me over a month ago if my sleep was good, I would have said yes. In fact, I think I even wrote on my intake forms for my visit with the ND that yes, my sleep is good. But now, having such a close comparison, wow, what a difference! I am sleeping so much better now. My sleep is deeper and better quality. I am waking refreshed and energized and eager to move first thing in the morning, which is new for me. I have always had to wait to do my yoga until an hour or two after I woke up, because otherwise I would get nauseous. Now I am eager to get on my mat. I make my cup of green tea and roll my mat out. I sit with my tea for awhile, and then I slowly start stretching, which turns into a full yoga routine, always ending with inversions in my aerial silk. Never have I been able to do inversions in the morning soon after waking without extreme nausea. It is really fascinating. Similarly in the past, if I have to get up early, like 4 or 5 a.m. I woke up nauseous. Now, part of me is wondering if that was a condition of my lifestyle habits and it's effect on my sleep, more than the hour of the morning. Hmmm....

Bathrobe yoga is the best!

I haven't used an alarm in over a year. I am waking naturally. I have historically fought waking up. I can feel it coming in a semi-conscious state. I can feel my body waking, my eyes fluttering, but I would resist as long as possible. Holding my pee as long as possible, forcing my eyes shut as long as possible, just for a few extra minutes of sleep. But these last 2 weeks. I wake up, eyes wide open, no resistance. I have clear, energized, exciting, creative thoughts and I am excited to start moving and creating and being in the day. Also I have spent a large part of my adult life waking up for coffee. I love coffee. I think coffee is a justifiably wonderful reason to get up in the morning, because I thought it would wake me up and give me that energized feeling, which I am waking up with now, still in bed, without the coffee. It is interesting to watch A get up and his first train of thought is coffee, in a semi-awake zombie state. I have done that same zombie shuffle most of my life too. I now have the comparison as a helpful reminder that I have the power to control what I put in my body and the where-with-all to pay attention to how foods make me feel and sleep. If the goal is optimal health, to live longer, healthier and to feel good, for me that is the most important; I want to feel good every day, why not take the steps towards improving the feel-goodness of life. And what's even more amazing is you don't know until you know, until you have the comparison in a point of your life where you felt like crap and each step you make towards feeling amazing.

Like I said, I would have said with conviction that yes, I sleep great, but I didn't know. Something didn't click until now. And yes, I have given up both coffee and alcohol, many times before in my journey, and yes at the same time, but for some reason this is different. It feels different. And it is so clear that I should have done this 6 months ago when my intuition was telling me that I could be sleeping better and that my liver needed additional support.

We undervalue the importance of sleep in our society. We overvalue busyness and waking up early, as signs of being more productive, but how efficient really is that perceived productivity if the quality of our sleep is crap? I think it is worth investigating. Poor sleep effects our brains, our bodies, our hormones, weight gain, brain clarity, creativity, digestion, productivity throughout the day, our cravings - particularly for sugar and carbohydrates (Let's take a further look at that: we are nation of obese people consuming massive amounts of processed sugar and carbs, and we all feel pressure to work hard, longer and more productively and yet no one is questioning why we all need, no crave, coffee, sugar and carbs - perhaps we should be talking about the quality of our sleep more than the perceived productivity we are all so eagerly chasing), the foods we eat, the amount of food we eat, our reaction times (there is a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture) our moods, our tempers, yes, even our relationships, ever notice how much more annoying your husband, or kids, or the barista behind the coffee counter are after a crappy night's sleep? Sleep is really important! I cannot stress this enough and it is something in your life that you have power to change, make better or worse, and even make ideal, based on your lifestyle choices and diet.

Don't take my word for it, put yourself through a sleep experiment, you will be amazed!

The Not So Safe Safety Bubble

If you have allergies, try as you might to forget them in your day to day, you can't. I think if you have been living an allergy-free lifestyle for a number of years, it becomes part of your every day life. In our little gluten free, lactose free home and bubble, cross contamination is not much of a thought. Also if you are lucky to have a partner who is super supportive and hyper-aware of your allergies, then you forget that the rest of the world has gluten and lactose everywhere, and in everything.

I had family visit over the summer and I was reminded of how gluten and lactose free my bubble really is. We had bought some beautiful locally made artisan bread, which I ate when I was eating gluten. But simple things like using a common cutting board to cut the bread, using the common butter and knife for cutting, and then to not properly cleaning everything off. Even wiping off the knife with the common dish towel and putting it away. Ack! Simple things, really, not even a big deal, unless you have a celiac disease. They meant no harm, and probably weren't even aware, but what was evident to me, is that they don't live in an gluten free home. And man, was it obvious, just how gluten free my home is! And for the record, A, is not gluten free, and there is gluten in my house. He just has gone through my struggle with me, watched me suffer and is so keenly aware of cross contamination, that sometimes I take for granted how conscious he is. <3 <3 (He wins a gold star for sure!)

Even with my dogs, both of whom, have allergies, it too, has become part of our bubble of safety. It is just a part of life. Narrowing down dog allergies is a tricky, long process. (Read my collection of posts about that process here.) There is sooo much that goes into dog kibble. So much bad stuff and fillers, that it has taken quite some time to figure out both of their allergies. Addi, our golden boxer (half boxer, half golden retriever) is allergic to gluten and chicken meal. Oliver, our French bulldog, is allergic to pretty much everything (it's a Frenchie thing): gluten, dairy, eggs, cheese, beef, chicken, duck, any red meat really, on top of his environmental allergies to everything and skin issues, his list is epic!

So what does he eat you might be wondering....after much time, trial and tribulation we landed on Orijen food. It is a very clean (and very expensive) kibble. And the only flavor he can eat is the Six Fish. Another thing that we learned along the way, is often there are multiple kinds of protein in dog food, which can cause allergy flare ups, finding a single protein food is very, very hard. The ratio of protein to carbs to fats, is also a very important factor. Most standard dog foods have too high a percentage of carbs in them. He also takes a daily plant sterol and probiotics. He gets no handouts and only the occasional treat. I know you're thinking, poor guy! But honestly he is a much happier and healthier dog now, than when we got him 2 years ago. If you look at the post from January 18, 2015, you can see just how red and swollen he was when we got him. And now...look at how handsome and healthy and not red he is! Cutie! <3

Our household is a very allergy conscious home, and the doggies and I are grateful. And yet we are reminded how sensitive that daily balance is. We maintain the balance without effort, but when we travelled for Thanksgiving, the balance was knocked off. Our poor little Oli, had a pretty nasty reaction to a combination of things. To no fault of my mom, who watched after them. It was just evident that Addi, Oli and I live on a delicate tight rope of allergies, that doesn't take much to fall off, even when you are actively trying. Even a simple trip to the gas pump, where they offer your dogs treats, has to be an announcement of your allergies. Dog mom panic, "Don't burst the safety bubble!"

That is what is so frustrating, is when you are actively trying and yet you have an allergy attack. If you live with allergies you probably have a similar allergy-free bubble, where your house is safe, your immediate friends and family know and are as accommodating as possible, and you have your favorite restaurants because they are cautious and can accommodate your allergies. You learn to relax a little. To breathe. And trust that your allergy-free bubble is safe. And then you get symptoms! :'(

Right now, I am having respiratory problems. I can't catch my breath, I am wheezing, and my breath is shallow. It's even effecting my sleep. Not fun. There is no glaringly obvious reason for my respiratory problems, which is my first sign of contamination, except the other night. We went out to one of our favorite restaurants, which has long been on the safe list, and yet the other night it wasn't. Something that we have ordered many times before came with breadcrumbs on this time!! Whaaa? Never before, and now all of a sudden?! Annd they skimped on the bacon! Whatthe*$5*grumble grumble! I didn't pay much attention either. I am used to them being safe. I was talking with the bartender and watching the game, until A pointed it out (again <3 him!), he leans over and asks if those are breadcrumbs, and on close inspection they were. Well shit!

So even when you think you are safe, you are not. Lesson learned, always, Always ask questions when you are eating out. And never assume that because it is a restaurant on your safe list, and you've gotten the dish before, that it will stay that way. Things change, restaurants change, heck for all I know if was a new chef! I just get a sad mopey face and am reminded that again my safety bubble is not as safe as I believe.

For people with allergies the holidays are particularly hard. There is so many social events and opportunities for cross contamination. From Thanksgiving on, try as you might, the likelihood of some cross contamination is likely. Unless you are a hermit and don't socialize, or maybe, you are lucky, and have friends and family that are allergy-aware. I am surprised by my current allergy breathing symptoms, but at the same time I guess I shouldn't be. The time of year and a more unusual diet, for me at least, with some likely cross contamination, boom, symptoms. It sucks, because you want to just enjoy the festiveness of the season and eat all the yummies (that you think are safe) around you. You can't. And it is really unfortunate timing too. Christmas festivities are within a few days and really I need to go on a strict cleanse to get rid of whatever is backed up in my body causing my respiratory problems. Bah humbug! 

As much as I want to ignore my symptoms, not being able to breathe is really, really scary. And if I think about it, I am also having digestive issues and not so good poops. So obviously it is all connected. The signs are there, my body is telling me, and now I have to help it out. Part of the process of discovering, managing and living with food allergies is learning your body's symptoms. They are there, however subtle, your body always has a way of saying, "hey that's not working for me," you just have to learn the signs. And once you do, and you figure out your trigger, the symptoms become more obvious, even in the slightest onset.

Good luck throughout your remaining holiday festiveness. I hope you are able to navigate and stay symptom free. And I know, because you are like me, you are hyper-vigilant about cross contamination, but be wary of your vigilance slipping. I think we all want to relax and trust and believe what we know to be, will stay the same, but unfortunately it doesn't. If you have lived allergen free for a long time, and you do have contamination, the likelihood of horrendous symptoms will be less, but still be on the lookout for the more mild symptoms. They are there. Always be on the lookout for daggers that are going to poke your safe, allergy-free bubble.

Recognizing Presence

I recently had a wonderful conversation with one of the teen girls I work with as part of a mentoring program:

We paired up to interview each other, asking fun questions like, "What is your favorite cereal?" and "What show do you like to binge watch?" to more intimate questions like, "What is your advice to live by?" We were paired together because of the odd number of students. 

What came of the fun questions was a great conversation about life–all aspects of it, parents, siblings, respect, honesty, chores, sexuality, body image, being introverts, all in all an amazingly beautiful, honest conversation. I like real conversations. The stuff that makes you you. Not the BS adult chit chat, gossip-y conversation that normally ensues. I fucking hate small talk! Talk to me about your passions, what you are doing, your family, your dogs, pretty much anything other than, "Oh how are you? Good. You?" Ughhh! Makes me want to scream. This is why I love teens, they just talk. Sure it is hard at first to get them to open up, but once you do (the secret is food and ask lots of questions) the flood gates open and you learn more than you would ever think possible. I love, love teens for this reason. The pretense, the BS, the showmanship of one-upping each other, nada, we are just two people connecting talking about everything under the sun.

One of the questions on the interview was, "What famous person do you like?" I said Ashley Graham. For those of you who don't know who Ashley Graham is (have you been living under a rock, JK) she is a "plus size" (seriously sarcastic air quotes here, because what is deemed plus size in the fashion industry really is anything over a US size 4, when the average American woman is a 14-16!!). She has graced the cover of Sport Illustrated, Glamour, Elle, and so many other major media publications, which is her job, she's a beautiful model, but what I love her for is her activism. Her body positivity and debunking the fashion industry myth that only skinny is pretty. She is real–cellulite, stretch-marks and all. She's a size 16 and she prances around in lingerie and bikinis in shoots and on the beach. She is graceful and beautiful, yet goofy and humble. She is relatable and I think so many of us are looking for relate-ability in media now.

The girl I was speaking to, didn't know who Ashley Graham is, so I hope she looks into her and finds inspiration like I do (or at least a source that is relevant to her), but she said something amazingly profound about how we feel about ourselves based on the people we surround ourselves with. This is true! If you surround yourself with people who love themselves (not in an egocentric way), but truly love self and accept their self as they are, being around them, innately makes you feel more comfortable in your skin.

Being a teen is incredibly challenging for that very reason, you are not sure of yourself. As are none of your peers. Most of teen years are spent comparing, adjusting, judging yourself to those around you, who are just as unsure of them selves! (Are adults really any different??)

That's why I think role models, regardless of that buzzy term, let's say people in media, must show the diversity of who we are. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and colors. Stretch-marks, cellulite, rolls and all. Celebrities are unattainable and often not relatable, yet so many of us look to them for a sense of self-worth or something to compare to or judge against, but really what anyone really needs is someone to relate to. To see a bit of themselves in that person.

"If you are drawn to [someone], it is because there is already enough presence in you to recognize presence in another." Eckart Tolle

There is a level of acceptance and comfort in your own skin that comes with time, and also with stopping the rampant comparison of each other. I spent so much of my youth wishing I was shorter, had smaller boobs and butt and thighs, that my stomach was flatter and, and...but at some point you have to realize this is your body and it does amazing things for you each and every day. 

We take our bodies for granted, continually hating on the parts, not nourishing it properly, talking badly about it, sucking it in and wrapping it up, and yet it is still there each morning, pumping blood to your heart, allowing you to breathe and get out of bed. You can either spend the rest of your life self loathing and hating that body or love the pieces that make up the whole. I am by no means saying it is any easy, overnight process. It takes time. Self-love. Self acceptance. Self reflection. Movement. Proper nourishment and some meditation. And even then, some days are better than others, but we have to take them in stride. We are all our own worst critics. It is a life lesson for all of us to really be in our bodies. To accept it as it is, or change it if you really want, but in real, loving, healthy and supportive ways.

We see beauty in others and compare ourselves, often in the negative, rather than seeing the beautiful parts that are also in us. Tolle has it right, there is something in someone else that draws us to them, and you have a bit of that something in yourself. If you can see it in someone else, work to try to see it in yourself.

Movement with Intent

I am not initially sure what drew me to to my yoga mat. It certainly wasn't my childhood experiences with yoga. Yoga sucked when I was a kid. All the loud breathing and ohm-ing and laying on the floor for no reason. I wanted to run around outside.

For years my athletic ability has been hard, fast and competitive. Push harder, be stronger, test the limits of my body, stamina and endurance.

I think I even may have been drawn to yoga as an adult because of the fancy poses. I really, really wanted to master a headstand, handstand and crow pose. All of which I can do, but I've realized that's not it. I also started to turn to yoga for my nagging sciatica and psoas troubles. Regular practice has made the nag non-existent, well that, and a new bed! Seriously, totally digressing here, I thought I was just working out too hard, sitting too long or holding my pigeon pose for too long. Nope! It was my bed. A recent trip to CO shed some light on the potential that my bed might be the issue. I had little to no pain while traveling and sleeping in foreign beds, yet as soon as I got home, bam, sciatica and psoas nag back in full force. We all underestimate the value of a quality bed and in turn quality sleep. If you wake up stiff or with aches and pains, consider a new bed. Seriously! So simple, but literally transformative. For months I was thinking my issues were getting worse. Each morning I was so stiff and achy.  'I must be getting old.' Nope, got a new bed; all aches and pains gone. It just occurred to me this morning that I haven't paid any notice to my sciatica in weeks! When it used to be a daily constant nag. Craziness I tell you.

OK, digressing aside, something has changed with my approach to movement. Sure there will be days where I want to do a sweaty spin session or go for a run, but lately, I would rather be more in touch with what my body is telling me than how hard my mind wants to push. 

My yoga practice lately has been more meditative and spiritual than fancy and bendy. I am more interested in poses that restore me and center me, than standing on my head. My new alter is bring a new spiritual awareness that I have never felt so strongly. 

Something has shifted and I can't even really put words to properly describe the shift. But the take-away I hope to share, is listening to your body. So many of us need to push harder, be stronger, sweat more, but there is something about connecting with your body, soul and spirit in your movement. Sure you can sweat. But do what feels good, not what you "should" be doing, not another rep to finish the round or holding chaturanga until you collapse.

There is something to be said about movement with intent, with love, and I think that is the true practice, move your body because you love it, not because you want to punish it, or yourself. Sit still and listen to your breathing because you want a deeper connection with loving yourself.

Sometimes the harder we push the more resistance we get, maybe stop pushing so hard. Maybe surrender. I know, it's hard and surrender is scary, but so is learning to love self. Surrendering to yourself and then "shoulds" and the self-competition is healing. Don't worry if your definition of "exercise" is the same as anyone else's. And also allow it to change. As a person who has spent years pushing my body as hard as possible until it ached, I think there might be something to listening, embracing, loving, accepting and moving my body and mind to connect more to my heart. Move with the intent to love self. And listen to your body, it will tell you the movement you need.

We All Have Shit Days

This morning I woke up cranky. Like binge-watch crappy reality TV, stay in my PJs til 3 pm, eating a bowl of popcorn the size of my head, and drinking before noon cranky. I didn't want to see anyone, do anything–even the dogs were annoying me! That is saying something!

So I angry cleaned, but that didn't even work. Cleaning was making me crankier, whaa?! Angry cleaning often makes my mood better, or at least the clean house does.

So I just surrendered. I accepted my cranky bitchiness, plopped down on the couch and watched embarrassingly bad reality TV. It was deeply satisfying. After some leftover heated up scalloped potatoes, scrambled eggs and too many cups of coffee, I still wanted to throat punch everyone that crossed my path (no I did not actually throat punch anyone, I stayed home for this reason); I mustered up some energy to get the few things I needed to do today, done. I reluctantly peeled myself off the couch, half-assedly put on yoga pants, like somehow that is an acceptable equivalent to PJ pants (trust, I contemplated wearing PJs in public today. NO I did not, don't judge) and ventured out, hoping to holy hell I saw no one and didn't have to talk to anybody. Don't even get me started on the irritation level when I got to the place and had to wait 30 minutes because they were closed for lunch, "Seriously, who needs to eat lunch?!" (See the irrational anger of the day!)

I finally got home which took longer than expected, I barely dressed enough to be seen in public and 30+ minutes was passed the point of safely not running into someone I know.

Of course the dogs are pleading for their daily walk, "Fuckiing dogs! God why did I get dogs?? DoggsAH!! I don't like doggsah, whhhatt do you waaant from meeeee??!" (It's bad people!)

But I took them on a walk to the post office, which is not a regular walk for us. It is relatively short and on a really busy road with no sidewalk, but they seemed to enjoy it, and shockingly so did I.

Now that I had my "must dos" done, it is time for the PJs to go back on, the wine to come out, the buttery, salty goodness to coat my finger tips and epic bitch battles of all that is reality TV to commence...but wait...that is not exactly how it played out.

I came home. Doggies panting and happy. I didn't get the buttery salt kernels going, instead I made an Asian coleslaw with napa cabbage, red cabbage, sliced, raw poblano pepper, fermented cabbage, ginger, carrots, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, garbanzo beans in a white miso, honey, garlic, rice vinegar, Braggs liquid aminos, and sesame oil dressing. It was delicious and crunchy and salty and nutritious (clearly not an important goal of mine today). And surprisingly I am less eager to drink wine, shame watch TV and shove popped corn in my mouth.

The takeaway as to why I am sharing with you my irrational ire that has perpetuated throughout this crappy day...acknowledge, accept and even embrace where you are emotionally. Don't try to ignore it. Say out loud, "I am feeling fill in the blank (crabby, bitchy, cranky, moody, emotional, throat punchy, hangry) and I love and accept myself." It is okay to have a shit day, a shit mood, hell, a shit period in life, it happens to everyone. Rather than unleash the self hate and loathing; acknowledge, love and accept that you are human, that you have emotions, hormones or a deeply twisted relationship with popcorn and just allow yourself to be that. It too shall pass. Or maybe it occurs to you that you are PMSing hard core and that explains all the craziness! Seriously don't mess with a bitch PMSing, get her whatever she wants and slowing back out of the room. Even saying out loud, especially to your significant other, "I am PMSing hard right now," is SO valuable! To you and your significant other AND your relationship. They don't take it personally. They understand your need to eat everything in sight and will be more likely to do a junk food run for you. Win, win. And no petty fights.

Don't be ashamed of your emotions, head space, or general meh-ness. Accepting it, allowing it space to be, then pass and even kindly reminding those around you that you aren't always a heinous bitch, will allow them to give you space, and still love you once it's passed. Oh, and a little bit of exercise really, really, like really, helps with a shitty mood. Yes, I know, it is the last thing you want to do, but even 5-10 minutes, seriously, just walk, you'll be amazed! Seriously, I am somewhat amazed that I don't have butter running down my chin right now.

Lastly, my whatever meh-ness today reminded me of a simple interaction while standing in line at a cash register yesterday. The woman in front of me had two fussy kids, a cart full of baby necessities, and a bunch of cards and coupons in her hands. The kids were flailing and fussing. The mom scanned each item with her phone before placing it on the conveyer belt (coupons?) and then ended up paying with 5 different cards. Every few seconds telling her kids to be quiet, or sit still and wait. I stood watching the whole thing, thinking well poo I picked the wrong line, thinking 1 person would be faster then the other line of 3, ha ha. Rather than switch lines, rather than judge, I stood there and observed. The mom got more and more irritated. The kids couldn't do anything right. The kids were getting louder and louder and the cashier was judging SO hard, that by the time I got to the register she made a noise, an eye roll and a geez-head nod, like "get a load of that." I didn't engage immediately as I think she was hoping, you know, get on the judge-y train. Instead I said, "She looks like she is having a rough day." The cashier looked surprised and then went, "Awww." Like how sweet, I guess. I didn't think much more of the interaction, other than we ALL need to be less judgmental of each other (me included!). If we interact with everyone with compassion and love, then judgment doesn't have a place.

So I sincerely hope that in all my bitchy, throat punching thoughts, ire-filled morning while running my few errands, no one was judging me and not understanding I really would rather have been on my couch in all my PJ-princess, bitchy glory. We all have those days. For all you know that is the day the lady in front of you in line with the screaming kids is having.

Remember compassion for self and others. This has been my lesson over the last two days.

Love = Change

There are so many different ways to define, look and be healthy. We are all different and thus health looks, feels, moves, acts, IS different for all of us.

There are standard health guidelines: eat real, whole foods regularly, move daily, be happy, have meaningful relationships in your life, have a spiritual connection to your needs/soul/God/higher power, do something that fulfills you – be it your passion-filled career, or a job that facilitates your passions outside of work. Lastly, drink water, the occasional glass of wine and remember to slow down, breathe and get consistently "good" (whatever is right for you) sleep. Oh and an orgasm from time to time never hurt anyone (well maybe, but, you know what I mean), a healthy sex life is important too.

That's it! That is living a "healthy life". We all fulfill those guidelines differently and each guideline carries more weight than others, and we all prioritize accordingly. Nowhere do you see maintain ideal weight, have chiseled abs, defined biceps and triceps, flowing long, perfectly highlighted hair, fake but real looking long-ish nails, a perfect relationship, a perfect job – seriously forget, no better yet, REMOVE THE WORD PERFECT FROM YOUR LIFE! Seriously! The word alone is setting you, me, everyone up for failure and disappointment. Perfect is bullshit and there is nothing such as "perfect"!

If we remove perfect we focus on being easier on ourselves. We all need to be easier on ourselves! I am by no means preaching, this is just as much a reminder for me, as it might be for you. I think everyone struggles with this. We are all our own worst critic. We pick ourselves apart, we are constantly striving for perfection (there's that evil word again), we are never enough, doing enough, trying hard enough, and then we compare to others and that ups the ante even more, we need, want, must be something that what we aren't right now. It's gotta stop.

We must all accept ourselves as we are RIGHT NOW! We can't continually live for the "if, then's"....if I lose 50 pounds, then someone will love me. If I work extra long hours, then I will get the raise I deserve. If...then, if...then...if we all continually live from if to then, then we will never really be living our lives now. Right now.

There are so many amazing body positivity campaigns, models, progressive movements in media right now, which is AHMAAZING! It is about time we show diversity in media – size, color, sex, gender – the more we see that we are all different, unique, beautiful, and embrace different definitions of beauty and success, we might all learn to be a little easier on ourselves. To learn to love ourselves more. And I'm not talking about ego here, I am talking about genuine, heart-felt, compassionate, non-judgmental, forgiving love towards self.

Change comes from love – externally and internally – I am thinking this might be an amazing mantra for our world right now. Without getting political and global, addressing the overwhelming amount of hatred and anger and horror and sadness in the world, imagine if we approached ourselves with love and compassion, we could only approach others with a similar love.

There is a preponderance of professing self-love in media (or maybe it is just what I am aware of) which is awesome and completely necessary, but I worry about this possible trap: the need to publicly declare self-love because it is the hot thing to do. Any positive self-talk makes a difference in your perception of yourself (side note: please, please, please for yourself and everyone, stop the self depreciating, breaking-yourself-apart-talk. You might think it is funny or somehow will allow you to save face in front of someone, but the more you do it, the more you absorb it, mentally, emotionally, physically and the more you believe it. If you are your own worst critic and you are constantly cutting yourself down, then you know what, you actually believe it.) With that being said, don't lie to yourself either; if you are not feeling positive about yourself and you are hating on you, you are much better off saying nothing – out loud or mentally – then the funny, self deprecating comment. If publicly decreeing your self-love, or your no thigh gap, your bulbous-y toes, your small boobs or your dad-bod then by all means, do it, sing it loud and proud, show it off and be you! But don't do it, don't lie to yourself because you think you "should".

If change comes from love, no amount of self-hatred, self-depreciation, or faking it, saying "I'm loud and I'm proud," but still cutting yourself down inside your head or in front of the mirror naked, will facilitate real, lasting change. 

Accept, love, embrace, acknowledge yourself as you are right. this. very minute. Say it, say it now, out loud, "I love and accept myself, as I am right this very moment." Don't add a "but" or a "..." to the end of that or an "if, then," say it over and over and over, and if you know anything about Emotional Freedom Technique (see my post) tap while you profess your self-love. Do it now. Do it daily. Do it whenever you feel the self deprecating comment lurking.

If you want to change – your body, your mind space, your job, your life, your relationship, your dread of exercise – those changes will come from a place of love, a place of full acceptance, as is.

As we can see, not much changes inside us, within our immediate circles and in the bigger world from hate. No change comes from hate, self-deprecation, or cutting yourself or anyone down.

If we all learn to work on loving self more, perhaps, perhaps will learn to love others; and then real change is possible.

Cheat Days

Everyone loves a cheat day! It's the day of the weak that the fat kid inside all of us gets to come out and gorge with the excuse, "Oh, it's okay, It's my cheat day!" as you shove another doughnut in your already full mouth.

It's a day to go hog-wild, eat and drink what you want, of all you have been deprived of all week long. 

While I am all for indulgence, I think cheat days are dumb. Yeah, I said it! What!?

I know plenty of diets and people who live for their cheat day. I get it, one day to let loose (well kinda) and eat that which you have been avoiding the remainder of the week. But really all you get is 1 day! One day!? Does no else see this as a major design flaw to massive overconsumption?

If it works for you, great, keep at it, everyone is different. But if you are enticed by a cheat day diet plan, I say don't go there. I think it is ridiculous to restrict a whole week's diet and then indulge on one day. Most people I know who are unsuccessful with cheat day diets are those who eat everything and anything in sight on their cheat day. While I can't say I'm surprised, if you are have wicked cravings all week long and then you get one day, you are gonna eat the whole bag of chips, the whole tub of ice cream, the entire bottle of wine and then some.

Cheat day diets are not addressing the core problem that any fad diet has, which is restrict, restrict until goal weight then gorge, and likely gain more weight than before. Your relationship with food and your weight can't be that up and down; or that indulgent and then super restrictive. 

What you eat and the diet you choose to follow should be centered around balance. We should aim for balance in all aspects of our lives, especially around food. 

If we only get this one life, are you really going to be satisfied on your death bed because you ate salad every day and were your goal weight your entire life, probably not. That's not what's going to matter at that point. What will matter are the memories with your loved ones around a Thanksgiving dinner table, or enjoying cake as you watched your 1 year grandchild rub frosting in their hair, or the night you got pissant drunk on your girls night out. So what if you were never your goal weight (don't even get me started on scales!!) So what if you are perpetually 5-10 pounds around your "goal weight". At the end of it all, what will matter is if you were happy, if you loved and felt loved, were fulfilled on a soul level and were balanced!

It is actually FAR worse to swing from super "good" to super "bad". To go from a strict vegan diet to I-eat-everything-in-sight cookie monster diet throughout your life. You screw up your metabolism, your cells get all confused and if anything, your body freaks out and holds onto more fat because it is so unsure the next time it is going to get a proper meal. Your immune system, heart, brain and metabolism are all compromised when you eat on a constant pendulum of restrict-gorge.

So rather than aim for a goal weight or to fit into a tight dress for a special event, think long term, think about balance throughout the rest of your life, not just the next few months.

If you are having a craving look at it. Observe it. Question it. But without judgement! That is the hard part for most of us. Think of your craving as if you were an unbiased, third party observer. Ask yourself why you think you might be having a craving for chocolate–you need intimacy in your life? Carbs–you've been sleep deprived for 2 months? Caffeine–maybe a regular workout routine is in order? Alcohol–lets consider your stress levels. Cravings are not bad, they are a clue! Often that clue points to something in your life that is missing in love, relationships, career, movement, or spirituality.

Again balance is key; in your personal needs in life and your food needs. If you can identify a craving as associated with a key aspect in your life, that is huge! To make that connection mentally and emotionally is groundbreaking for many. And if you know fulfilling that craving in a small way will help because at that moment you can physically fulfill that need, then I say, indulge (in moderation).

But that leads me to my last point, it's not about deprivation. Have a glass of wine with dinner out with friends. Enjoy a piece of birthday cake. Eat a bowl of chips. But balance it out. Have balanced meals more often than not. Eat real, whole foods and lots and lots of veggies. Drink green juice. Exercise daily. Find love in your life. Build relationships that are meaningful. Try to like your job more days than you don't, and if you can't, get a new one. Find a way to connect with yourself, nature and your "god" on a regular basis. All these are crucial to leading a balanced life where cheat days shouldn't be the day you look forward to each week.

Live this life, now. Do what you need to find balance and joy, even if that means having a piece of chocolate from time to time (just make sure it is the best damn chocolate you can afford, seriously, quality makes a huge, huge difference!).