Weight gain is so much more than just eating too much and not moving enough. For many people weight gain is a symptom, just like headaches or acne are symptoms of potential dehydration, lactose intolerance or hormone imbalance.
Unfortunately in our thin obsessed society, weight gain is demonized and the people who gain it are labeled as lazy or gluttonous or both. Yet, then why is the weight loss/diet industry a $63 billion industry? People can't be that lazy if they are willing to spend $63 billion of their hard earned money to be thin. There are numerous companies that promise if you eat this way, move that way, drink this chalky drink or swallow a magic pill that the weight will just melt away. And it will....for a while. But likely, as many of us know, who have tried the food, exercise, magic pill, fad diet, it comes back. It almost always comes back if we are just addressing the weight as the problem.
The weight is not often the root problem. The weight is often the symptom of a root problem not being addressed.
The ACE's study at Kaiser Permanente in California started as a weight loss study. The doctors leading the study thought they would be able to understand why their participates were overweight or obese and have continually yoyo dieted their entire lives in attempt to lose the weight, yet inevitably gained it back and then some. The initial point of the study was to treat the weight, but what the study ultimately found was that for a majority of the participants, weight was a symptom or even a sense of protection. Try as they might the doctors could not treat just the weight. Many participants initially had success on their limited calorie diets and regular exercise routines, some even losing significant amount of weight, but then something would happen and the participants would drop out of the study, never to return, some would "slip" and binge eat, other's couldn't explain it even though they were following the plan, they were gaining or not fluctuating. This flabbergasted the doctors leading the study.
What started as a weight loss study addressing the weight gain as the symptom turned into what is the well known now as the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study, which identified that 75% of people who struggle with weight have had at least 1 ACE on the questionnaire developed during of the study. And that the more ACEs someone has, the more likely they are to be overweight and struggle with weight related illnesses. And anyone with 4 or more ACEs will likely have a whole host of health related concerns. With each ACE a person has, they have an increased likelihood for diabetes, cancer, obesity, heart attack, depression, etc.
Learning about ACEs and the study is really quite fascinating and once you learn about it is very hard to look at overweight and obese people with anything other than compassion. Weight is a symptom of suffering, of pain, of issues on a deeper level than that person may not care to share with anyone, perhaps, let alone themselves. Weight can act as an armor of sorts, a protection from connection, or intimacy, it can act as a physical barrier, it can physiologically be a sense of comfort to the hurting heart inside.
Even Weight Watchers, the leading weight loss company in the US, has adopted a new model recently. They are no longer focusing on numbers and calories. They have added community, mindfulness and psychological support to their programming, even changing the name to "WW". If a major weight loss corporation can see that we can't just treat the weight then hopefully we can begin to see, as a society, that it is never just about the weight.
For many people food is comfort. That's why we crave "comfort food" when we feel homesick or lonely, or tired, or it is just a Tuesday night after a stressful work day. Food can, for many, fill an emotional need. Turning to food for comfort does not make a person weak or gluttonous, if anything we are trained from a very young age to use food as comfort. Often children are offered a treat when they fall and get a boo boo. Food treats are given as reward too, for a job well done or getting a good grade. Food is central at a funeral and a wedding. We bring food to people who are grieving or eat mindlessly while we zone out in front of the TV. Food is central to everything we do. And we also associate a lot of foods with emotional times in our lives. It makes sense then, that we learn and default to patterns of food comfort as adults.
If we do not learn different coping mechanisms or don't address the emotions head-on (which is tough stuff!) we default to "I have a booboo" (physical or emotional) I need ice cream, candy, a treat to make it all go away and feel better. Which it does! That's the amazingly cool thing about our anatomy when it comes to our dopamine receptors. Next time you are feeling down or stressed and you turn to a treat for comfort, notice how your body responds. It will likely feel tight and tense to begin with, then you will decide you need a treat; there is the decision process, which is exciting and fun, and occupies your mind; then you get to enjoy your treat, which is glorious and delicious and relaxing; then you feel that rush of dopamine pleasure rush through your brain and body; reveling in the dopamine glow, you forget (at least for a while) what caused you to seek out the treat in the first place. Boom, the treat has done exactly what you sought it out to do in the first place. Comfort.
So the next time you feel yourself gaining weight or your pants don't fit anymore don't beat yourself up and call yourself lazy or bad for eating all the donuts, ask yourself, what is going on here? What is going on on a deeper level? Check in with your emotional state. Are you taking care of your emotional needs? Have you been triggered? Do you need to journal or talk to someone? A great trick before you eat the treat is to put a hand on your heart and a hand on your stomach. Take a deep breath, exhale, and ask yourself, is my heart hungry for this treat? Wait for the answer. Then ask, is my stomach hungry for this treat? Wait for the answer. Not that the answer will make you eat or not eat the treat, the act of pausing and checking in with your needs, potentially emotional, physical or both, is the goal.
(To take the ACEs questionnaire go here. And to learn more about ACEs I would highly recommend two books, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. (one of the leading doctors in the ACEs study) and The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-term Effects of Childhood Adversity, by Nadine Burke Harris, M.D.)
Showing posts with label Body Positivity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Body Positivity. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Let's Get Personal
Let's get personal...personaal (totally intended in the tune of Let's Get Physical by none other than ONJ (that's Olivia Newton-John, BTdubs)).
For some this may be TMI. And I don't care. I'm going to talk about periods, menstrual cycles, because I have to. Bye all y'all dudes, now is the time to bail. I know "lady stuff" makes you squeamish. For those that stick around and keep reading, you get a gold star sticker, especially if you share this with a lady in your life.
Periods are part of every woman's life. They are normal, they are natural and there is a noticeable difference between a good period and a bad period. Ladies, you know what I am talking about. Some months are awful; cramp-y, cranky, throat-punchy, where every one sucks, you get that massive red zit on your chin that hurts like a motha', you can't eat enough chocolate, wine and potato chips to make the pain stop or make you like anyone, and to top it all off you bleed through everything, on everything, when you are sleeping (hello, more crankiness), when you are out in public and there is abso-fucking-lutely nothing you can do about it, you just hope you have a sweatshirt in your car to tie around your waist. One of Those months...I get it! I've been there! Shit, we (being the proverbial ladies "we") have ALL been there! Some months are certainly better than others.
I have to say as a woman who has spent most of her life on the side of miserable during my period; insane cramps that had me doubled over in pain crying, bloody messiness that is uncontrollable, and the sore rawness that comes with that much clean-up, PMS like no body's business, diarrhea, changing your sheets in the middle of the night, you name it, I've suffered it. To now, being on the other side of miserable periods, let me say, there is hope! Diet and lifestyle changes have made a night and day difference in my life when in comes to my period. Seriously! It seems so simple and unbelievable, but seriously, remove the foods your body doesn't like, give it more whole veggies, fruits and gluten free grains, let me tell you, my periods are totally different than they were for the last 15 years. I remember not going to school, not being able to formulate sentences between sobs of agony and writhing in pain, to regular trips to the toilet for constant diarrhea. I cannot even count the number of times I bled through while sleeping and out in public. I just figured my period was "normal". It was not! At least it doesn't have to be!
Tuning into your body and listening to it's needs, and making considerable lifestyle changes can make for a much happier period, ie you.
My period is no longer an epic geyser of torrential pain and hormones, it is manageable now. Actually, dare I say, pleasant. What used to be a heavy flow for 5 days straight with epic cramping. I now, have a few cramps on my first day and typically again on my 3rd (which makes no sense to me), but after the first 2 days of a regular flow it lessens considerably the last 2 or 3, to where a panty liner will suffice. This is a huge difference from where I started at 10. Perhaps it is because I am of "childbearing age", but I am not so sure that is only factor.
As you well know, if you've been following me for some time, I went gluten free, lactose free, and reduced meat, little-to-no processed foods and sugar almost 6 years ago. In that time, every aspect of my life has changed, from my weight, to my seasonal and environmental allergies, to my skin and hair, to my quality of sleep, to my quality of poop and periods, to the clarity of mind, and even a career shift! Phew! It. Is. Amazing. What. Can. Change. If. You. Listen. To. Your. Body.
So the whole reason for this post is something new I am trying and I am so excited to share: for the first time ever, seriously ever, I was excited for my period to start (no, it wasn't the excited, oh shit, I may be pregnant, excitement/fear), it was legit excitement. Why, you may ask, with a side tilt of your head....I bought a Diva Cup!
For those of you who don't know what a Diva Cup is, it is a menstrual cup that takes place of the standard tampon or pad. It is an eco-friendly, reusable, silicone cup that gets inserted into the vagina to collect the blood during menses. Grossed out yet? I know, I know, just keep reading...
I heard about a Diva Cup from @yoga_girl, Rachel Brathen, whom I love and admire and have been following for a couple years on Instagram. She inspires me in life, love, spirit and in yoga. And during a Facebook Live session she and her friend/business partner Olivia, talked about Diva and Moon Cups. The name had floated through my brain a few times prior, but never stuck. This time it did. So I did some research and was intrigued.
Sure, I was excited at the prospect of not having to purchase tampons and pads again, and being eco-friendly, but honestly what progressed my interest more, was for the last 6 months to a year, I've been having a problem with tampons. No matter where I am in my cycle, no matter what day, I can always feel the tampon. It was uncomfortable and noticeable. It made me ache and cramp, even smaller ones. They just hurt. It was almost like it felt full all the time, but when I took it out, it never was. As soon as I took the tampon out I would be fine. Cramps, achy-ness, gone. So for the last few months I have been dealing with pads, uggh. Pads suck! I've always slept in pads and used them on light days, but to use them for your entire period is awful. They rub, they make noise, I inevitably bleed over the edges, no matter how many damn wings and "no leak" edges those suckers have, leave it to my body, I leak over those no-leak edges.
Now I'm gonna get technical-personal, but I guarantee there must be other women like me, women with bodacious backsides. I'm talking about being bootylicious. Let's get real, butts are awesome, and some junk in the trunk is awesomer, but let me clue in into something, as a women with some junk, pads. do. not. work!! If you have a larger derriere that is tight, and you wear a pad, blood comes out between your butt cheeks. There I said it, it's out there. I can't be alone here?? Right? Try as I (I'm hoping we) might in a pad, I walk, I sleep, it goes out your butt and gets everywhere. E.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e! And it is a fucking pain in the ass, ha (couldn't not with the bad pun). Soo, if you are like me and you can't wear tampons because they hurt and pads, well, pads are just useless, unless they wrap around from my belly button to my lower back, I needed an alternative.
I've been seeing those period panties lately, but dude, I don't trust those. Just how, how can there not be leakage? And isn't that more diaper-ish than a pad?? I dunno. So, I bought a Diva Cup. And I've been excited for my period since then.
Today is day 1, one of my heavy days. I've had it in all day. And it is AWESOME!! Best period ever! I can't even feel it. It doesn't even feel like I am even on my period, or that anything is in there. No cramps, no aches, nada, zilch! I am so excited I am doing a happy dance. I look forward to tomorrow, day 2, my heaviest day, and I'm going to workout too! Today I felt like writing and drinking wine, instead of working out. I had to share with y'all my exciting news! I did walk the dogs, and no leakage, anywhere, all day. I wore a panty liner, just in case. But nothing! I've checked the cup a few more times than I probably needed to (I wasn't sure when it would be "full"), and it was no where near close to full. So now I am leaving it in longer. There was concern about insertion being difficult and leakage. No problem for me. I think you have to be well acquainted with your vagina to even consider using a Diva Cup, because, yes you will have to touch your vagina and even put your fingers inside to adjust and rotate to secure it in place. So if you are not that kind of woman, first let me ask why? And then, I will suggest, maybe work up to a Diva Cup. Go familiarize yourself with your vagina first. I went with Model 1. I am 30 and I've never had a child, but Model 2 just didn't seem right for me. I know I have a narrower vagina, so I was worried that Model 2 may be too big. Again, you gotta know your vagina before you can even purchase a Diva Cup. And really, as woman, shouldn't you be well acquainted with your vagina? I digress.
I am also really excited to sleep in my Diva Cup! They say you can leave it in for up to 12 hours. At first, that seemed wrong, too long. I would never, ever leave a tampon in that long, but it is not the same. The Diva Cup, sits much lower in the vagina opening and it isn't "absorbing" anything, hence no toxic shock syndrome of a tampon left in too long. Sleeping in a pad as a side sleeper with a tight ass, is a nightmare, literally! I get up all the time in the middle of the night during my period. I have to check it and even sleep with my hands wedged in between my legs to make sure the super, sized nighttime pad plus two liners behind it, don't move, it is awful! And even then, I regularly bleed through. I may for once be able to sleep the whole night through on the first night of my period. Mind blown!
I am beyond excited for my experience and not too ashamed to share it with you all. We need, no, we must talk about this stuff! There is no shame. We are women and we SHOULD have happy periods. Until day 2, wish me good, leak free, stress free sleep tonight. I'll post more tomorrow.
For some this may be TMI. And I don't care. I'm going to talk about periods, menstrual cycles, because I have to. Bye all y'all dudes, now is the time to bail. I know "lady stuff" makes you squeamish. For those that stick around and keep reading, you get a gold star sticker, especially if you share this with a lady in your life.
Periods are part of every woman's life. They are normal, they are natural and there is a noticeable difference between a good period and a bad period. Ladies, you know what I am talking about. Some months are awful; cramp-y, cranky, throat-punchy, where every one sucks, you get that massive red zit on your chin that hurts like a motha', you can't eat enough chocolate, wine and potato chips to make the pain stop or make you like anyone, and to top it all off you bleed through everything, on everything, when you are sleeping (hello, more crankiness), when you are out in public and there is abso-fucking-lutely nothing you can do about it, you just hope you have a sweatshirt in your car to tie around your waist. One of Those months...I get it! I've been there! Shit, we (being the proverbial ladies "we") have ALL been there! Some months are certainly better than others.
I have to say as a woman who has spent most of her life on the side of miserable during my period; insane cramps that had me doubled over in pain crying, bloody messiness that is uncontrollable, and the sore rawness that comes with that much clean-up, PMS like no body's business, diarrhea, changing your sheets in the middle of the night, you name it, I've suffered it. To now, being on the other side of miserable periods, let me say, there is hope! Diet and lifestyle changes have made a night and day difference in my life when in comes to my period. Seriously! It seems so simple and unbelievable, but seriously, remove the foods your body doesn't like, give it more whole veggies, fruits and gluten free grains, let me tell you, my periods are totally different than they were for the last 15 years. I remember not going to school, not being able to formulate sentences between sobs of agony and writhing in pain, to regular trips to the toilet for constant diarrhea. I cannot even count the number of times I bled through while sleeping and out in public. I just figured my period was "normal". It was not! At least it doesn't have to be!
Tuning into your body and listening to it's needs, and making considerable lifestyle changes can make for a much happier period, ie you.
My period is no longer an epic geyser of torrential pain and hormones, it is manageable now. Actually, dare I say, pleasant. What used to be a heavy flow for 5 days straight with epic cramping. I now, have a few cramps on my first day and typically again on my 3rd (which makes no sense to me), but after the first 2 days of a regular flow it lessens considerably the last 2 or 3, to where a panty liner will suffice. This is a huge difference from where I started at 10. Perhaps it is because I am of "childbearing age", but I am not so sure that is only factor.
As you well know, if you've been following me for some time, I went gluten free, lactose free, and reduced meat, little-to-no processed foods and sugar almost 6 years ago. In that time, every aspect of my life has changed, from my weight, to my seasonal and environmental allergies, to my skin and hair, to my quality of sleep, to my quality of poop and periods, to the clarity of mind, and even a career shift! Phew! It. Is. Amazing. What. Can. Change. If. You. Listen. To. Your. Body.
So the whole reason for this post is something new I am trying and I am so excited to share: for the first time ever, seriously ever, I was excited for my period to start (no, it wasn't the excited, oh shit, I may be pregnant, excitement/fear), it was legit excitement. Why, you may ask, with a side tilt of your head....I bought a Diva Cup!
For those of you who don't know what a Diva Cup is, it is a menstrual cup that takes place of the standard tampon or pad. It is an eco-friendly, reusable, silicone cup that gets inserted into the vagina to collect the blood during menses. Grossed out yet? I know, I know, just keep reading...
I heard about a Diva Cup from @yoga_girl, Rachel Brathen, whom I love and admire and have been following for a couple years on Instagram. She inspires me in life, love, spirit and in yoga. And during a Facebook Live session she and her friend/business partner Olivia, talked about Diva and Moon Cups. The name had floated through my brain a few times prior, but never stuck. This time it did. So I did some research and was intrigued.
Sure, I was excited at the prospect of not having to purchase tampons and pads again, and being eco-friendly, but honestly what progressed my interest more, was for the last 6 months to a year, I've been having a problem with tampons. No matter where I am in my cycle, no matter what day, I can always feel the tampon. It was uncomfortable and noticeable. It made me ache and cramp, even smaller ones. They just hurt. It was almost like it felt full all the time, but when I took it out, it never was. As soon as I took the tampon out I would be fine. Cramps, achy-ness, gone. So for the last few months I have been dealing with pads, uggh. Pads suck! I've always slept in pads and used them on light days, but to use them for your entire period is awful. They rub, they make noise, I inevitably bleed over the edges, no matter how many damn wings and "no leak" edges those suckers have, leave it to my body, I leak over those no-leak edges.
Now I'm gonna get technical-personal, but I guarantee there must be other women like me, women with bodacious backsides. I'm talking about being bootylicious. Let's get real, butts are awesome, and some junk in the trunk is awesomer, but let me clue in into something, as a women with some junk, pads. do. not. work!! If you have a larger derriere that is tight, and you wear a pad, blood comes out between your butt cheeks. There I said it, it's out there. I can't be alone here?? Right? Try as I (I'm hoping we) might in a pad, I walk, I sleep, it goes out your butt and gets everywhere. E.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e! And it is a fucking pain in the ass, ha (couldn't not with the bad pun). Soo, if you are like me and you can't wear tampons because they hurt and pads, well, pads are just useless, unless they wrap around from my belly button to my lower back, I needed an alternative.
I've been seeing those period panties lately, but dude, I don't trust those. Just how, how can there not be leakage? And isn't that more diaper-ish than a pad?? I dunno. So, I bought a Diva Cup. And I've been excited for my period since then.
Today is day 1, one of my heavy days. I've had it in all day. And it is AWESOME!! Best period ever! I can't even feel it. It doesn't even feel like I am even on my period, or that anything is in there. No cramps, no aches, nada, zilch! I am so excited I am doing a happy dance. I look forward to tomorrow, day 2, my heaviest day, and I'm going to workout too! Today I felt like writing and drinking wine, instead of working out. I had to share with y'all my exciting news! I did walk the dogs, and no leakage, anywhere, all day. I wore a panty liner, just in case. But nothing! I've checked the cup a few more times than I probably needed to (I wasn't sure when it would be "full"), and it was no where near close to full. So now I am leaving it in longer. There was concern about insertion being difficult and leakage. No problem for me. I think you have to be well acquainted with your vagina to even consider using a Diva Cup, because, yes you will have to touch your vagina and even put your fingers inside to adjust and rotate to secure it in place. So if you are not that kind of woman, first let me ask why? And then, I will suggest, maybe work up to a Diva Cup. Go familiarize yourself with your vagina first. I went with Model 1. I am 30 and I've never had a child, but Model 2 just didn't seem right for me. I know I have a narrower vagina, so I was worried that Model 2 may be too big. Again, you gotta know your vagina before you can even purchase a Diva Cup. And really, as woman, shouldn't you be well acquainted with your vagina? I digress.
I am also really excited to sleep in my Diva Cup! They say you can leave it in for up to 12 hours. At first, that seemed wrong, too long. I would never, ever leave a tampon in that long, but it is not the same. The Diva Cup, sits much lower in the vagina opening and it isn't "absorbing" anything, hence no toxic shock syndrome of a tampon left in too long. Sleeping in a pad as a side sleeper with a tight ass, is a nightmare, literally! I get up all the time in the middle of the night during my period. I have to check it and even sleep with my hands wedged in between my legs to make sure the super, sized nighttime pad plus two liners behind it, don't move, it is awful! And even then, I regularly bleed through. I may for once be able to sleep the whole night through on the first night of my period. Mind blown!
I am beyond excited for my experience and not too ashamed to share it with you all. We need, no, we must talk about this stuff! There is no shame. We are women and we SHOULD have happy periods. Until day 2, wish me good, leak free, stress free sleep tonight. I'll post more tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Recognizing Presence
I recently had a wonderful conversation with one of the teen girls I work with as part of a mentoring program:
We paired up to interview each other, asking fun questions like, "What is your favorite cereal?" and "What show do you like to binge watch?" to more intimate questions like, "What is your advice to live by?" We were paired together because of the odd number of students.
What came of the fun questions was a great conversation about life–all aspects of it, parents, siblings, respect, honesty, chores, sexuality, body image, being introverts, all in all an amazingly beautiful, honest conversation. I like real conversations. The stuff that makes you you. Not the BS adult chit chat, gossip-y conversation that normally ensues. I fucking hate small talk! Talk to me about your passions, what you are doing, your family, your dogs, pretty much anything other than, "Oh how are you? Good. You?" Ughhh! Makes me want to scream. This is why I love teens, they just talk. Sure it is hard at first to get them to open up, but once you do (the secret is food and ask lots of questions) the flood gates open and you learn more than you would ever think possible. I love, love teens for this reason. The pretense, the BS, the showmanship of one-upping each other, nada, we are just two people connecting talking about everything under the sun.
One of the questions on the interview was, "What famous person do you like?" I said Ashley Graham. For those of you who don't know who Ashley Graham is (have you been living under a rock, JK) she is a "plus size" (seriously sarcastic air quotes here, because what is deemed plus size in the fashion industry really is anything over a US size 4, when the average American woman is a 14-16!!). She has graced the cover of Sport Illustrated, Glamour, Elle, and so many other major media publications, which is her job, she's a beautiful model, but what I love her for is her activism. Her body positivity and debunking the fashion industry myth that only skinny is pretty. She is real–cellulite, stretch-marks and all. She's a size 16 and she prances around in lingerie and bikinis in shoots and on the beach. She is graceful and beautiful, yet goofy and humble. She is relatable and I think so many of us are looking for relate-ability in media now.
The girl I was speaking to, didn't know who Ashley Graham is, so I hope she looks into her and finds inspiration like I do (or at least a source that is relevant to her), but she said something amazingly profound about how we feel about ourselves based on the people we surround ourselves with. This is true! If you surround yourself with people who love themselves (not in an egocentric way), but truly love self and accept their self as they are, being around them, innately makes you feel more comfortable in your skin.
Being a teen is incredibly challenging for that very reason, you are not sure of yourself. As are none of your peers. Most of teen years are spent comparing, adjusting, judging yourself to those around you, who are just as unsure of them selves! (Are adults really any different??)
That's why I think role models, regardless of that buzzy term, let's say people in media, must show the diversity of who we are. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and colors. Stretch-marks, cellulite, rolls and all. Celebrities are unattainable and often not relatable, yet so many of us look to them for a sense of self-worth or something to compare to or judge against, but really what anyone really needs is someone to relate to. To see a bit of themselves in that person.
There is a level of acceptance and comfort in your own skin that comes with time, and also with stopping the rampant comparison of each other. I spent so much of my youth wishing I was shorter, had smaller boobs and butt and thighs, that my stomach was flatter and, and...but at some point you have to realize this is your body and it does amazing things for you each and every day.
We take our bodies for granted, continually hating on the parts, not nourishing it properly, talking badly about it, sucking it in and wrapping it up, and yet it is still there each morning, pumping blood to your heart, allowing you to breathe and get out of bed. You can either spend the rest of your life self loathing and hating that body or love the pieces that make up the whole. I am by no means saying it is any easy, overnight process. It takes time. Self-love. Self acceptance. Self reflection. Movement. Proper nourishment and some meditation. And even then, some days are better than others, but we have to take them in stride. We are all our own worst critics. It is a life lesson for all of us to really be in our bodies. To accept it as it is, or change it if you really want, but in real, loving, healthy and supportive ways.
We see beauty in others and compare ourselves, often in the negative, rather than seeing the beautiful parts that are also in us. Tolle has it right, there is something in someone else that draws us to them, and you have a bit of that something in yourself. If you can see it in someone else, work to try to see it in yourself.
We paired up to interview each other, asking fun questions like, "What is your favorite cereal?" and "What show do you like to binge watch?" to more intimate questions like, "What is your advice to live by?" We were paired together because of the odd number of students.
What came of the fun questions was a great conversation about life–all aspects of it, parents, siblings, respect, honesty, chores, sexuality, body image, being introverts, all in all an amazingly beautiful, honest conversation. I like real conversations. The stuff that makes you you. Not the BS adult chit chat, gossip-y conversation that normally ensues. I fucking hate small talk! Talk to me about your passions, what you are doing, your family, your dogs, pretty much anything other than, "Oh how are you? Good. You?" Ughhh! Makes me want to scream. This is why I love teens, they just talk. Sure it is hard at first to get them to open up, but once you do (the secret is food and ask lots of questions) the flood gates open and you learn more than you would ever think possible. I love, love teens for this reason. The pretense, the BS, the showmanship of one-upping each other, nada, we are just two people connecting talking about everything under the sun.
One of the questions on the interview was, "What famous person do you like?" I said Ashley Graham. For those of you who don't know who Ashley Graham is (have you been living under a rock, JK) she is a "plus size" (seriously sarcastic air quotes here, because what is deemed plus size in the fashion industry really is anything over a US size 4, when the average American woman is a 14-16!!). She has graced the cover of Sport Illustrated, Glamour, Elle, and so many other major media publications, which is her job, she's a beautiful model, but what I love her for is her activism. Her body positivity and debunking the fashion industry myth that only skinny is pretty. She is real–cellulite, stretch-marks and all. She's a size 16 and she prances around in lingerie and bikinis in shoots and on the beach. She is graceful and beautiful, yet goofy and humble. She is relatable and I think so many of us are looking for relate-ability in media now.
The girl I was speaking to, didn't know who Ashley Graham is, so I hope she looks into her and finds inspiration like I do (or at least a source that is relevant to her), but she said something amazingly profound about how we feel about ourselves based on the people we surround ourselves with. This is true! If you surround yourself with people who love themselves (not in an egocentric way), but truly love self and accept their self as they are, being around them, innately makes you feel more comfortable in your skin.
Being a teen is incredibly challenging for that very reason, you are not sure of yourself. As are none of your peers. Most of teen years are spent comparing, adjusting, judging yourself to those around you, who are just as unsure of them selves! (Are adults really any different??)
That's why I think role models, regardless of that buzzy term, let's say people in media, must show the diversity of who we are. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and colors. Stretch-marks, cellulite, rolls and all. Celebrities are unattainable and often not relatable, yet so many of us look to them for a sense of self-worth or something to compare to or judge against, but really what anyone really needs is someone to relate to. To see a bit of themselves in that person.
"If you are drawn to [someone], it is because there is already enough presence in you to recognize presence in another." Eckart Tolle
There is a level of acceptance and comfort in your own skin that comes with time, and also with stopping the rampant comparison of each other. I spent so much of my youth wishing I was shorter, had smaller boobs and butt and thighs, that my stomach was flatter and, and...but at some point you have to realize this is your body and it does amazing things for you each and every day.
We take our bodies for granted, continually hating on the parts, not nourishing it properly, talking badly about it, sucking it in and wrapping it up, and yet it is still there each morning, pumping blood to your heart, allowing you to breathe and get out of bed. You can either spend the rest of your life self loathing and hating that body or love the pieces that make up the whole. I am by no means saying it is any easy, overnight process. It takes time. Self-love. Self acceptance. Self reflection. Movement. Proper nourishment and some meditation. And even then, some days are better than others, but we have to take them in stride. We are all our own worst critics. It is a life lesson for all of us to really be in our bodies. To accept it as it is, or change it if you really want, but in real, loving, healthy and supportive ways.
We see beauty in others and compare ourselves, often in the negative, rather than seeing the beautiful parts that are also in us. Tolle has it right, there is something in someone else that draws us to them, and you have a bit of that something in yourself. If you can see it in someone else, work to try to see it in yourself.
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