Bad Timing to Cut Out Wine and Potato Chips When You are PMSing

These last two weeks have been chaotic, emotional, exhausting, frustrating, tumultuous and libated beyond healthy. For lack of any better word these last two weeks I have been on a bender. And no, relax, I don't need help, I don't need to check into a rehab facility. I am talking about my type of bender which is most people's typical weekend nights. 

For the last two weeks I have eaten everything and anything in sight, in mass qualities (minus gluten, I still chose to breathe) not giving a care what it was, if it nourished me or if it made me feel like shit. Potato chips, meat, dairy, Doritos (!), french fries, pie, fried chicken, fajitas, Irish nachos (lots of eating out), times 2 and then all over again. Yeah, there has been a couple of green things in there, but not much, and probably just as a garnish or in a "salad." And I am still taking my vitamins and probiotics like somehow they're going to offset this indulgent eat-whatever-bender I have been on. Ha! And don't even get me started on my alcohol consumption. Let's just say it is WAY too frequent and too much. And now my body hates me. I have lovely puss-y pimples (which I never get), my skin is dry, I am irritable, I am anywhere between constipated and having diarrhea, and now my hemorrhoids from years ago are screaming at me. My body pretty much is saying F-YOU to all the damage I have decided to force upon it these last 2 weeks. 

Why you might ask? Because of a multitude of things - mostly a shitty job I hate. I want to run screaming from the building most days of the week. The fact that I am still at said job, when I wanted to leave over a year ago. That at said job my boss who has come in, stirred the pot and left it to overflow, boiling scalding hot, spewing all over the stove, is now leaving because the company has "sucked the chi" out of him and he has "other callings."(Don't we all!?) Leaving us to deal with the mess and frustrations and loose ends of the many things that never got accomplished or straightened out. Also on his second to last day he felt the need to criticize that I did not handle a situation as he would have and that I was "too emotional" Who? Me? Nahhh...not this week buddy.... This also means that owner, ie boss's Dad, comes back in full swing, in all micro-managing glory. It is also because it is officially spring and all I want to do is be outside in my garden with my dogs and my man, getting dirty, growing beauty and creating life and nourishment for us and our home. 

But no I am stuck in a stupid office, doing a stupid job that sucks every iota of life out of me. Also I have yet to muster up the courage to tell owner/boss that I cannot and will not be working Friday's anymore because I need to focus on my health coach certification (I know the hypocrisy given my recent misgivings, hey, I'm only human). And the anticipation and fear of that conversation is filling me with terror, frustration and anxiety. Because really all I want to do is march in there and quit tomorrow. And OF COURSE they keep asking when am I going to start working Fridays again. 

Oh and top it all I am PMSing like no one's business. I want to punch everyone in the throat and ugly cry all at the same time - mostly everyone at work, the poor cashier lady, the driver of the car in front of me, my man, my mom, you name it, I am on a Doritos cheese fingers-covered-wine-induced hormonal war path and you best get the fuck out of my way. 

I know, I know, I know.....not healthy, not addressing the "true" problems, not rising above, not finding peace, and knowledge in "the master plan" (of which there is one. Trust, I do not plan to wallow in this misery forever. It fucking sucks and I want to get on with my life.) and all in all not being very namas-fucking-te. But honestly I don't know what to do, except wallow and eat and drink. All I want to do is run away from all of it, which is not realistic. I want to quit tomorrow and spend the rest of my summer doing what I want - which is gardening, writing, doing yoga outside, painting, playing with my dogs, working out, cooking delicious healthy yummy meals, teaching myself how to cook more vegetarian/vegan foods, try a raw diet, have more time for my health coach courses, start taking on health coaching clients, swimming in the ocean, taking the boat out, maybe becoming a certified yoga instructor, but no, I am wallowing, throwing a tantrum and hurting my body instead. AND even though I know better I can't seem to stop this vicious cycle. 

It is such bullshit that something so simple as a "job" can effect so much else in our lives. It makes sense intuitively, but I have never gotten it until now. But if you spend 30-40 hours of your 168 hours in a week doing something that you hate, that kills you, that sucks the life force out of you, that you know is broken, can't fix, don't want to fix and don't believe in, then let me tell you that 24% of your weekly life royally sucks. 

I need to do better, find peace, have my period start (and yes I know the wallowing and binging and booze and bad eating has brought on the raging bitch PMS), drink less, eat more veggies, eat less dairy and meat, do more yoga, find that peaceful head space about work again and continue on, because there isn't much more time for "the master plan" to unfold I am just getting antsy and I want my way out now! 

My body and digestive tract is yelling at me and I must listen or it will only get worse. Sometimes I get so tired of being sensitive because I can't "do what everyone else can do," I can't drown my sorrows in booze and junk food. No matter how hard I force it. I only get a few days before I get aggravated, constipated, my sleep is effected, my mood is effected, the zits appear and the bitch comes out. So two weeks is pushing it WAY too far (sorry to those loved ones around me, thanks for loving me still). 

So I am going to be good, eat better, stop drinking alcohol for a while, stop buying potato chips, make my green juice (gagging right now just thinking about it), start getting up earlier in the morning to meditate, practice healing yoga and be nicer to myself, my heart, my emotions, my head space and my body. I am using the wallow as my excuse and work as the evil monster, which it may be, but it is my reality and I can't blame it, when I am working towards a better, brighter, more fulfilling, healthy future.

"Patience my dear, patience." 

PS Muster up the balls to ask for Fridays off. Stop with the game and the anxiety.

Love, 
Me (your better knowing conscious self)

Yoga, Wine or Sweat?

Stress management is a life challenge. Everyone is different and everyone handles stress in their own way, but management is a critical part to making it through the many stresses of life. 

Lately my day job seems to effect every part of my life. I head to work each morning, waning optimism of a new day that fades entirely by dinner time, only to wake and do it all over again the next day. With all the huge changes, personnel issues, management issues, new software installations, new programs and the generational divide between the old staff and the new, and old and new systems, I leave with my head throbbing, shoulders sore, and deep breathing attempts manifesting to a guttural moan that only perpetuates into getting worked up again, when kindly asked as I walk in the door 2 hours later than I would normally get off work, "Hey Babe, how was your day?" Unfortunately my job, at this point in time, is all consuming.

We all know we need to manage our stress. Stress kills. Cortisol and adrenaline are the body's hormonal defense mechanisms in times of stress, be it temporary or long term. They are produced as part of the body's fight-or-flight reaction to stressful situations. The problem with prolonged stress, your cortisol levels don't drop. Cortisol curbs functions that would be nonessential in a fight-or-flight situation such as immune system responses, suppressing the digestive system, the reproductive system and growth processes. This complex natural alarm system also communicates with regions of your brain that control mood, motivation and fear. In a prolonged state, cortisol causes weight gain in the abdominal area, which left ignored can cause a multitude of health problems, such as stress on internal organs by the increased abdominal fat, trouble sleeping, heart problems, digestive issues, anxiety and depression, to name a few. We have a natural alarm system that is great for one-off intense instances, but the majority of us live in a more semi-regular fluctuation of stress, often triggering our fight-or-flight system more than it was ever intended to be needed.

So it is clear that temporary stress management is important to alleviate the long term ramifications of stress because there are some major health concerns that come by ignoring stress symptoms in the short term. There are clearly more healthy ways than others to help one manage stress and we all have our preferences depending on the type of shit dealt that day. Recommendations range from stress reduction (but who really has much control over that, especially when dealing with the overhaul of a company), exercise (makes sense), eating well (I don't know about you, but when I am stressed I want to eat all my food vices at once), thinking positively (ya OK!?) and being social (this too makes sense). For my daily stress management it comes down to 3 choices; two are on the "recommended list" (yay, me), the other, not so much.

Lately, my question to myself on my drive home from work is, 'yoga, wine or sweat?'

While the default for many is often booze, it is probably the worst choice for stress management, but we all turn to it. The running joke around the office right now is, "Is it whiskey time?," which basically is any time, minus some stupid no alcohol policy while on the clock, grumble, grumble. What happened to the good-ole-days of the Mad Men era when booze was permitted and encouraged for the daily workings of an office? So, we often blow off steam after work, saddling up to the local bar, bitching about the inner-workings, or current lack thereof, in the office. It momentarily helps. And trust me, there are days, and as any office-based TV show will reiterate; a favorite line in particular - Marty Kaan from House of Lies, "I need to drunk." And some days that is just the case, drunkenness helps alleviate the stress for the evening, or at least makes the bitching more tolerable for those around you. Bitching is always more amusing and bonding when encouraged by some alcohol, you come together over a buzz, a common enemy and the camaraderie of "us against them."

But then there is the good side that kicks in, the better conscious side, on my other shoulder saying, "Well now, I know that wine sounds good, but yoga is better for you. It will calm your mind and release the tension of the day." As I say to myself, "I know, I know, I know," and suit up in my yoga gear. Yoga has amazing powers to calm my mind. The stress relief and inversions, deep breathing, all really works wonders. The clarity of mind is more than any number of glasses of wine can create, well then again, wine does the exact opposite, fuzzing the clarity of mind (but that's the purpose, right?). Sometimes I will resist the know-better of yoga practice after a long, stressful day, but every single time my better conscious wins, I am happier, calmer, relieved, less tense throughout my entire body, more than any amount of bitching or wine drinking could ever fix. So while I resist the initial "zen-Buddha," of which some days I want to say fuck zen-Buddha, the difference for me is untouchable. More often than not, my reluctance gives way to the best form of stress management I have ever known.

Sweat. Sweat for me has been a stress management tool I have relied on my whole life. When I was a frustrated teenager, I would put on my running shoes and head out the front door to run along the beach for as long as my legs would carry me. I turned to sports to alleviate some of the stresses in school, and in college my gym routine was just a valuable as my study routine. Sweating to me always meant a hardcore workout that teetered on the side of slightly masochistic. I love the labored breathing, the slow but gradual burn of working muscles, the beats blasting in my ears, the itchy trickle of sweat running down my face and back, and the residual post-workout ache the next day. Working out is one of the few times in my life that my brain completely turns off. Somehow the accomplishment of kicking my own ass to a point of exhaustion where I can't think of anything else, other than how badass I feel, makes the shitty, frustrating, pain-in-the-ass day melt away. There are just some days that no form of yoga nor massive glass of wine will do what the endorphin rush of a hardcore workout will produce, (well that and maybe getting laid, but I am not sure that sex is on the "professionally recommended stress-reducing list," but it should be!).

So drink, mediate, breathe, sweat, be positive, get laid, be zen-Buddha, eat junk, get drunk, whatever it may be, because we all have shitty days and stressful weeks, and one way or another we have to get through (just maybe have most of your stress management tools be good for you than bad, but we all have to have a few bad).